Danny’s Test Wrap

Dear Fellow Sprayers,

Its Uncle Danny here once again, I’m typing to prove to you that I haven’t fallen off the end of the earth, as it has been a while since my last posting. I’ve just come back from the Subcontient of India and boy I have never been so proud to be an Asian looking Aussie over there. I mention the word ” cricket” and they all look at me as if I am an “Al Qaeda Terrorist”. This is my spray of the current cricket test between Australia and India, so sit back, get a VB, stratch yourself and eat a pie and enjoy my long awaited spray.

Aussie blast the curry out of India!!!!

So I watched the 4th test from hot Adelaide today and I was battling the sideaffects of travellers gastro from my trip and “Jesus Christ” I could have done better than those curry munchies with gastro. Heck, an Under 9’s Chinese water polo team could have done better, likewise an Antartica 15 rugby team could have helped the Indian Cricket team. For God’s sake India, your 2nd strike bowler went for 12 off his 1st over, A horny, blind goat could have conceded less runs!!!! India were terrible in everything they did; fielding, bowling, captain bawled Sewang tactics were worst than my Grandma’s dementia. (she could have done a better job if only she knew where she was!!). The only positive thing they did all day was batting and they didn’t even bat!!!! It was if they left their heart and soul back at Delhi airport.

India took the honours in the first session having Australia 3/84 taking the scalps of blaster master Warner, Steady Eddy Cowan and out of form can’t drink like his Dad Marsh. He really needs to be dropped like a bag of Indian rice on his head on concrete or go back to Milo cricket club for under 7 boys!!!!

But from then on India as may as well walked off and let Pup and Punter do a 2 to 3 hour batting net session while the Indians go home have a good feed of rice and Dalh or Naann bread and well maybe a beef curry even though cows are sacared over there. then they mighty be able to play some decent competitive cricket, the sport they call a religion over there. At times the Indian field looked like a 20/20 match protecting the boundaries but they may as well as been in the grandstand sipping on Chai tea wearing their doudies (man dresses like I brought one).

Hope you all enjoy this spray, shit Ive got diarrhaea again and shit myself for the 60th time today, so Im off to the dunny and shower and clean myself up. As I hope the Indians can do the same tommorrow otherwise I’ll be watching porn on my laptop from the toilet.

Regards Danny Chairman of the Indian Cricket Board.

P.S please don’t let the papers get a hold of this otherwise Im a dead Indian who has eaten his last curry for life!!!!!


Carney Swimming with Sharks

So its official, Todd Carney is now a Sharkie!! Welcome to the shire Toddy, hopefully you won’t get kicked out of it like you got kicked out of the township of Goulburn. Will this end bad for the Sharkies? I think it will. I’m sorry but the kid has such a serious problem with alcohol and the sooner the better he, the NRL and all the guys on the footy show can admitt this the sooner he can get some professional help and get on with his footy career. The heart breaking thing is he is such an unpredictable and natural talent with great skills to be one of the best but the drink prevents this from ever happening. I hope it works out for the best but I just can see heart break for Todd as a person, heart break for his family, heart break for David Gallop and the NRL and especially heart breat for the Shire and their loyal fans. With Alcohol and Betting being the two major sponsors for the sport, its not hard to see now one can get caught up with the two passtimes associated with the NRL just like a Todd Carney. As a Rooster supporter I was glad to see the back of Carney when he was in trouble but warmly welcomed and prasied him when he was playing fantastic footy and we were winning. Alcoholics have to realise they can not just have one or two drinks with the boys after a game as their lack self control and let their addiction brain take over. They can not drink at ALL. This is an impossible predicament for Todd, with the today’s NRL/Sport culture. The Raiders tried and failed, as the Roosters and will the Sharks be another casaulty of the Todd Carney Train wrecking machine. Whatever happens its sure to sell papers and keep a few jounralists in a job for the time being.



Evers News

Haka fines Frogs

So the sliver medalist from the 2011 New Zealand Rugby World Cup, the French Rugby Union Team has been fined $15,000 for advancing for linking arms and advancing on the All Blacks before Rugby World Cup final haka. My original thoughts was that it was extremely disrespectful towards New Zealand culture by  advancing towards New Zealands traditional tribal war dance. But now that the Frogs have been finanically hit in the pcoket, my thoughts have changed. The International Rugby Board (IRB) rule is that no other team may venture from the 10 metre line from their own half towards the All Blacks while they are completing the haka. This is not the first time the French have done something like this, as in the 2007 rugby world cup quarter final again, against the All Blacks they advanced towards the haka then and escaping a reprimand, but it was not as extreme as on the 23rd Sunday night Ocyober 2011.

I heard Peter FitzSimons  on the news tonight and he begged the question as an opposition team member; Are you suppose to just stand there and take the All Blacks imitating throat cutting actions, punching fists and violent actions towards you when they are dancing the haka? You have 26 full grown men beardy acting violently out how you are going to spend your last minutes on this earth, before they bury you into the turf of Eden Park as your funeral. What is a man to do?!!!! Just stand there and watch how you are going to perish!!! I don’t think so. To just surrender and die!!!! Especially by a Kiwi!!!!

The Haka no doubtly is a psychological advantage being Kiwi and doing the haka before such a physical contest just ask any psychiatrist. However, war is very different to playing professional rugby but they liken football to war. Im not so sure. 

Obviously, the Australian Rugby Legue (ARL) have a different rule when it comes to the haka as from the World Cup  final a couple of years ago, the mighty Kangaroo’s advanced right up in the faces of the Kiwi players whilst they were doing the haka and the Kangaroo’s lost the game. The French Rugby coach thought it was unfair, as did the Kiwi manager and so many rugby fans would universally all agree.

The French  advancing on the haka was probably not poltically or culturally correct however fining them is a probably not the right consquence as they had already lost the final. It just adds a bit of flair and more emotion to the centre stage of the rugby world cup. If this action has caused raised eyebrows, bring on the 2015 RWC the sooner ther better. Maybe the French should start a frog dance to intimidate the Kiwis next time they meet!!!

Rules killing the Game

The rules of rugby are killing the future and enjoyment of the game. They call the game of rugby, the game they play in heaven. God only know if Jesus’ plays the game and how well the Jersuselum XVI would go in the super 15, I don’t think real well!!!!
With the rule book the size of an entire national library, there’s no wonder that anyone knows what the penalty is for. Sometimes even the ref ponders to himself why he blew the whistle himself unless he likes the sound of his own whistle and was bullied at school and is now taking authority from his position. Frustration is experienced also by the commentators, the extreme fans in the crowd and the dad’s watching the rugby from their lounge rooms who all of a sudden become professional rugby experts and teach their sons how to “really play”. There are just way too many rules which spoils what could be exciting flowing and fast running rugby. People prefer to watch any footy code that is exciting with points usually tries. I play the game and often wonder how you can train a team to be perfect in every facuets of the rule book. I feel it is impossible. It’s like a business conforming with every OH&S law without going bankrupt.

Another point I’d like to make is that I personally feel rugby league kicks are far better than rugby union kickers. With the points being more in rah rah, one would feel that the kickers ability should be the other way around, leaving their NRL counterparts. Time and time again I watch the likes of Johnanthan Thruston and Hazem El Masri pop them over the black dot from the sideline like their blind folder. With ex wallabies coaching staff teaching current wallabies how to kicking it makes you wonder what they do at training. I previously went to a Brumbies Tahs game where all the points where scored by the boot. I sat there wondering is this what I really wanted from my purchased ticket so I went and brought another overpriced beer and drowned my sorrows.

So what is there for the future if rugby, you ask hopefully an international body that sells a general, fair and most important fewer rule book and less authoritial blowing their whistles, a change in the point system, less ping pong kicking and a running rugby as a player once said to me you can’t win the game if you kick the ball away!!!

Dane Eldridge Tries Hard

Contemporary rugby league surrealism and hot takes on Shane Warne