Newcastle Specials….

so Novacastrians are rejoicing….

they are already planning the ticket tape parades….

The chosen one has arrived to solve all their problems…..

That’s right folks BENNETT has arrived……

and what’s Benny got to say on his first day on the job?????

“something really special about Newcastle”

Well Benny has a way of stating the fu&ken obvious! He must of been hanging out with Ian Chappell…..

Well yes Wayne, half of the Newcastle  population is special! In half of them are mentally Angus & Cooted!

Look this is how retarded Newcastle is….they think Nathan “my wallets as fat as me guts” Tinkler comes along, starts waving greenbacks, pineapples and every other piece of currency around and all of sudden they are world beaters????

Give the Dingo a break!

Ok they’ve done a bit of recruiting….Boyd, Snowden, BUDERUS and Zimmer Frame…….

Not going to be enough to get them the Big one!

Maybe Nathan could throw some money into building some more Mental institutions….as Benny himself may need one after a couple years in Spazcastle cough…. Newcastle!

That’s it from me as I need to return to the Padded Cell!

Dingo out!


The weekend wrap 28/11/11, according to Browny

  • Mark Webber wins a race… finally! – I had just about given up on Webbs winning a race this year as he’d pulled on the choke one too many times this season. But like all bridesmaids, waltzing down the aisle first doesn’t mean much when the main attraction is still to come. So a big thankyou has to go to his team-mate Sabastian Vettle for “nursing” his car into second place because of gearbox troubles. Where was that gearbox at the start of the season? Good on ya Mark, a victory is still a victory, even if it is hollower than a termite ridden tree.
  • Test team has more wet dicks than a maternity ward. – In what seems to be an increasingly d valued institution. The baggy green has once again been tossed about like presents at a pass the parcel party. What about Doug the rug or T. Copeland? Proven performers who I’m sure will join CUNTS (Cricketers Union of Non Test Selection) and the Australia Nay Christmas next year.
  • Robert Allenby has a cry, this time at The O. – Geoff Ogilvy and Robert Allenby had a tiff at a function on the weekend. Some heated words were exchanged before Allenby stormed off, probably to his vast cellar for a bottle of sour grapes. I think O’l Rob is getting a bit touchy about his Pezie cup performance, or maybe its just dawned on him how shit he actually went.
  • Magnussen believes he can beat the 100 freestyle record. Good luck to the lad, I hope he leaves the rest of the field in his wake. Australian swimming is need of a bloke who is….. well, a man. Thorpy might have been one of our best swimmers, but in reality he was also one of our best closet homos. The Mag is a guy who could put some much-needed testosterone back into the sport.  
  • The Duke quits his paper colum. – The Duke of Penrith, Phillip Gould, will no longer spray David Gallop or the NRL administration every sunday. This must come as welcome relief to Gallop, as Gallop can now read the Sunday paper without popping a vessel.
  • No bloody cricket action on the weekend. – Did the mighty Gulls play Dingers?
  • The Wrap’s Moment of the week: The Windies and Curry Muncher’s last test. What a cracker! Who said test cricket is dead. If you haven’t seen Darren Bravo bat, check him out. He has similar style and looks style to one B.C Lara. Watch out pal!

What will happen in the series?


Righto, with the sheep shaggers ready to play, what are your predictions for the series?

  1. Who will be leading run scorer?

  2. Who will be leading wicket taker?

  3. Which team will win?

  4. Any axings during or after the series?

"I'm waiting" :The Axe

Mrs Vitori?

Crapenby this, crapenby that

you guessed it punters,

today the dingo has that oxygen thieving Robert Crapenby in his sight!

Poor old Long John has the absolute shit beaten out of him by the Australian press for basically taking his clubs & going home after depositing a large number of balls in the lake!

Yet this prick Allenby whinge’s and carries on until the Cows come home yet the Australia press doesn’t serve up an equal blast…..

The Dingo asks WHY????

I hear you say he’s Australian? I couldn’t give 2 hoots if’ he’s polishing Tigers Shaft with the Aussie Flag wrapped around him…..

I for one and sick and tired of hearing the same of drivel from Crapenby!

This bloke shovels more shit than Kenny has had to hose of his clothes!

When the Golf Authorities tried to make golf more exciting by introducing a party hole ( let’s face it the sport is as boring as bat shit) Crapenby had a great old whinge! Even Boycotts the following year because of the abuse he cops during the event…..

Don’t whinge about it Dick for Brains and the punters won’t give you stick about it.

Now recently he’s been again had the severage flowing from his dial. After the Shark picked him for the Presidents Cup due the fact they were playing at his home course! F$%k me I’d would hate to see how he played on one he hasn’t played on before!!!!!!

But yet again….Crapenby comes up with it wasn’t his fault he went 0-5?

Well Robert how did you go in the Match Play???? That’s right it was all over after 11 holes!!!!!! Thanks for coming!!!!!!

I for one am glad that he lost the playoff to the Snake on the weekend!!!!!

There’s a bloke who the shark could of relied on at the Presidents Cup.
And good to see that the Snake learn’t from the earlier spray the Dingo gave him…. As I was preparing to send out the Kleenex!!!!

Anyway Crapenby, the Dingo has a bit advice for ya, either put up or shut up!

You haven’t won since Adam was a boo! So do us all a favour when the press asks to talk to you politely decline as you’ve got to work on your game!

Fore!!!!!!!!! Dingo out!


Don’t punt the Punter

For the past few year there has been a general consensus that Ricky Ponting should be booted from the Australian cricket team to make way for some new up and coming talent. While this does has some merit and shows the concern the cricket loving public have for our beloved baggy greens, let me to the first to say that to ditch Ponting now would be a ridiculous way to send out our greatest batsman after Greg Chappell and the might

The Master

I purchased this bat purely because of his ball crushing ability with it. Six years later, still perfect.

Don. Not only would it be a kick in the guts to one of the great servants to the game, it would also be tactically retarded.

Lets consider a few things first. The upcoming tests this summer are against the sheep shaggers and the curry munchers, so New Zealand and India, with the first test kicking off against New Zealand at the end of the week. As the recent warm up game indicates, the Australia A team, with the exception of the sturdy Ed Cowan and pocket rocket David Warner, struggled to compete against a bowling line up more toothless than a retired boxer. If this is the best of the rest, then Australian batting is in what can only be described as a giant heap of shit.

So with no logical replacement or “up and coming talent”, Ponting stays on by default. However the first game is at the Gabba, a ground where Ponting has continually shit runs against the best attacks in the world, so coming up against this New Zealand team who’s warm up and social actives consist with fucking each other up the arse, I have no doubt that once around the 20 run mark, Ponting will destroy these pretenders making them wish they stayed back in the hotel.

Once Ponting has destroyed the soul of the Kiwis, it’s on to the world champion Indians *cough*. For those of you who have not seen the bowlers selected for the test matches, I will give you an overview. The highest wicket taker is Ishant Sharma with 128 wickets, the next highest is Sachin Tendulkar with 45. So if you thought the New Zealand line up was awful then holy shit, get ready for some big scores this summer. The other mistake that the Indians have made is not bringing out Harbhajan Singh. Although this guy seems to make a living by being the biggest prick to ever walk a cricket field, he does have a super record against Ponting, and the failure of the Indian selectors for not picking him will only play into Ponting’s hands.

So as has been established, Australia has no new batsman worthy of replacing Ponting and the bowling attacks this summer are about as strong as a left hook from Steven Hawkins. Not only that Ponting has been around for so long he has a masterful knowledge of the game, so any youngest that do manage to bribe their way into the team will have an excellent resource to learn off.

This will mostly be the last summer for the master Batsman, so what better way to sign off then by shitting on every bowler that comes along this summer, listening to the roar of your adoring fans, and waving your cock too any of the doubters out there. I know I’ll salute it.

I could go on but I think I will let the cricket do the talking. Regardless if I am correct or not, Ponting deserves this last summer so we might all bask in his batting aura on last time before the curtain goes down.

So fuck the scummy print media, long live Ricky Ponting.


The middle of this week brought down the career on possibly the worst cricket selector the cricketing world has ever seen Andrew “Adolf” Hilditch.

He is of course the man who singlehandedly decimated the confidence of all Australian spinners by hailing them as world beaters & pissing them out of the test team quicker than a Dave Warner half century! Look at our fast bowling stocks at the moment, the cupboard is so bare that the Dingo was even considered for selection for the first test against the mob from over the ditch!

Not to mention overseeing Australia from being a cricket superpower to struggling to beat the Narromine under 10 b’s !!!!!!! The warning signs were there but we persisted with this little prick  & his mates (Boony is excepted because well he is BOONY!) for way too long, he even punted Big Merv!!!!

He has left our cricket team in such a mess that pre gate sales for this years tests will struggle to pay for Punter’s retirement party, Oops sorry Punter you weren’t meant to find that out until the end of the summer. Just act as if you don’t know what’s going on when pup says “hey Punter we need to have a chat!”

With the end of the series against South Afrikkka little ol Adolf has sunk back to his mundane life as a souf Oztraliaaaan solicitor. I say Goood f…..n riddance & don’t let the f…..n door hit your srse on the way out douchebag, Trvor Hohns you ain’t!

Til next time peace out my brothers!!!!

Get off my lawn Dimo!

This morning I see the Crows’ coach gave the new GWS side an almighty spray. After being asked a question on how the Greater Western Side will go next year, Crows’ coach Brenton Sanderson left politeness on the bench and punted down what he really thought were GWS’s chances for next season, bleating they have picked a bunch of kids that will get smashed. It was a rather candid and refreshing belting from someone plonked in front of a press gallery. Usually someone in his position falls back on some well oiled cliche`s to get him out of such questions, but good old Sanderson spilled his thoughts and even placed a wager with one of the hounds in the gallery, placing a cherry of arrogance on top for good measure.

But that’s where the kudos and back slaps end in this spray.

My real reason for the verbal bashing I’m about to unleash is to finally vent my anger towards the GWS side and the AFL.

As an avid Tigers fan and Rugby league supporter, I’m mighty pissed off to see such a brazen attempt to pinch the youth out of one of rugby league’s most fertile cabbage patches. Granted the NRL set up camp in Melbourne, but the AFL were the first to bed down in enemy territory, slipping in-between the sheets of the Sydney market with Swans. But that’s fine, 1 in Melbourne, 1 in Sydney, it’s a fair trade. But, with the GWS side opening their legs to anyone in the greater west, the GayFL have crossed the line.

The way I see it is, Victoria – home of the AFL; NSW – home of the NRL; a team in each state which caters to the small pockets of supporters who follow the opposing code and all other states become fair game. It’s simple, clean and amicable. 

 If this is the way they are going to play, then I hope the GayFL drown in their arrogant vomit! When the former ARL and Super League tried rapid expansion, they did it all wrong. They allowed clubs better suited to orange peeling to play at the highest level, it ended in clubs folding and fans deserting. That debacle left us (the NRL and supporters) looking like a bunch of sporting amatures!

Having seen Rugby League burn its fingers, the AFL obviously think they can do a better job in their expansion plans….ppfff, the Gold Coast Suns are sure proof of that, right?

 Setting up a new club is no easy feat. The recently added NRL GoldCoast side had 3 highly successful years first up years, even though it did collect the spoon last year. But the NRL puts plenty of checks and balances in place to ensure a club can be as competitive as possible from the outset.

The AFL’s competition is already starting to become dominated by the haves and have-nots; the rich and the poor. For a competition to be carrying 2 sporting dead weights, the AFL may be biting off more than it can chew. The NRL has a growing T.V market and increasing crowd numbers. The AFL, on the other hand, is plateauing.

A few shocking seasons from both the Suns and the Giants and that dickhead Demetriou will start to feel the strain. Bad press generates more bad press and no one enjoys being on a losing side or part of a losing code. I’m predicting a few tough years for that ring licker, Dimo. It will be tough for him constantly defending his decision to support the Giants and defend the woeful and uneven standard of competition the GayFL will turn into.

So good luck with the grave that will be GWS Dimo, and good luck shoveling the shit you dumped all around you.

Go F*#k yourself! 


Get that up ya Dimo!

Robbie Wawah Fully Sick

So it’s cricket season….and what happens when the Dingo opens up the newspapers & sports sites.

he has to read yet again about the sook that is Robbie Wawah….sorry Farah

Look I know the Lebs are emotional race, but F%$k me, This bloke crys at the drop of a Kebab.

It’s not enough that I have to deal with the Peanut coming into every press conference with blood shot eyes, whinging about the refs, whinging about being tackled, whinging that Beau Ryan’s broken to many plates at his restaurant…

Now Robbie is blowing up about not getting much game time on the Kangaroo tour…. News FLASH for ya Wawah….your not Fully Sick Bra, ya fully SHIT!!!

And wouldn’t tie Cameron Smith’s boot laces. You probably can’t even tie your own!

Every Big game you’ve played in you’ve come up short each time! Why would Sheensy risk his coaching gig with Aussie’s to keep you ya muppet happy!!!!

So Farah, man up, remove ya skirt, stop thieving oxygen and get on with it…

Otherwise piss of to Parra and you and other whinging sook Hayne can cry each other to sleep while telling each other how sick ya are and how hard done by you both are!

Give me a break….
Where’s the Tabouli???



Mr Eldridge has a gasbag with the gruff Dingo to see why Australian cricket is busting his balls.

Legend says that when Dingo has surplus criticisms which are released in a torrent, that it can be used to effectively wash down circus elephants, such is the power.

I’ve seen the man-marsupial strut his stuff on the SSD domain, and more often than not, it leaves the monitor smouldering.

I was compelled to approach him to test out if his bark was bigger than his bite. Initially, he snarled like a malnourished rottweiler, but eventually he calmed and was able to give me his thoughts on the backwaters of Aussie cricket.

We sat down and evaluated what was in the kitty for the future and it wasn’t long before he revisited his growling ways.

Dingo, you’re a dedicated believer in progression at the top of the tree, but you’re not liking what you see. What’s wrong with the batting stash at the moment?
The batting stash? Mate I’m missing something there? Batting stash? Mate it’s more like batting trash.
We have to  keep rolling out Ponting & Hussey in their wheelchairs because the next big things like drongo Smith, Chris Lynn and co are useless humps who don’t know which end of the stick to the other. 

Are there any trainees at Shield or rep level that give us hope? Anyone that us Aussie fans can place a truckload of pressure on to be our saviours?
Not banging on the kennel door……That Dutch bloke Inge De Cooper, shows a little bit with willow in hand, but hasn’t shown any real ability to fill the “Dyke” Wall on the long term basis. The Dingo is also a fan of Dave Warner. This bloke has continued to develop and has started to show a great all round ability to adjust to the different conditions and format.

And I believe you have some prickly parting words for a few of the willow-wielding ‘free commuters’? The jokers at state level who are ready to be pensioned off after never living up to their potential?
Mate there’s too many free commuters to fit in. We’d be here all night talking about those monkeys. But the main ones that drive the Dingo nuts are blokes like Cameron White and Steve Smith….These 2 particular numpties have made a decent living out of cricket because they’re blonde and roll a few leggies. Don’t worry about the fact they’ve got as much ability as one Dingo’s steaming logs….
These blokes have been dining out on a CA banquet for way too long while the hard workers like the Kat and Michael “Enterprise” Klinger work their collective a#*es off for SFA in return.

On face value, the bowling situation seems to be vaguely healthier than the batting, but it would seem it is the lesser of two evils. What’s the Dingo sighted through his crosshairs in the rollers sector?
Look it’s clear the bowling stocks are certainly the better of two evils. There’s a few blokes holding their own in shield cricket. Blokes who have been about for a few years now. I certainly don’t think it’s all gloom and doom like all naysayers are saying about the bowling stocks. They’ve seemed to unleash a belter in young Cummins. Lets hope they don’t kill him in his 1st 12 months. Still got the old trojan Rhino Harris. This bloke got knees and hips like a 65 yr old man, but is still our 1st picked when he’s right to go.

There’s got to be a new breed of tearaways that we can look forward to. Is there any talent that can return us to the glory days?
Look I think with the current situation with a few injuries I think it’s a perfect opportunity for a few blokes to stamp their name all over the Aussie Cricket team.
The 1st bloke that should be getting amongst it is the CUTTINGEDGE!!!!! This bloke is a mammoth of a young bloke! Not scared to take them on, banging em in and getting around blokes ears….Also bowls some very tidy outswingers….
The other bloke you got to look out for, no would know him from a bar of soap.
Young tearaway left armer. Ringing wet between the ears…18 yrs of Age. Joel Paris who will become a legend of Australian Cricket. Described  out of the Wasim Akram mould. Fast whippy action who swings balls like George Michaels in a toilet block!

It seems there is a few slothful souls in the bowling ranks who are on their way to the glue factory as well. Has Dingo got any spicy sayonaras for this gang of underachievers?
Well I hear Mitchell Johnson got a sore big toe? Man what has happened to poor Mitch? His Mum and Mrs don’t get on…Oh poor Mitch!!!! But seriously Mitch, time to take up another sport brother….you’re absolute fodder! I’ve seen kids with ADHD who aren’t as erratic as you!
Peter Siddle….what a Lion heart…Because Sids gives his heart and his soul for Australia. But let’s face it…he’s not any bloody good! The Dingo could run in and bowl half volleys and half trackers all day. Sids should of been canned after his hatty last year, as that’s certainly not going to happen again.
The last one I just can’t work out, is the selectors continually return the Silly German from Tassie. This bloke is another who is a bit of workhorse, but again as useful as a flyscreen on a submarine! Hilf buddy…time to give up and get on the boat back to the homeland!


Thanks, but we don’t want oldies.

Golden oldies: Youth were net bowlers to these boys.

If I have to listen to another idiot claim that Australian cricket needs to blood more young cricketers to get back to the top, I’m going to blow a fuse!

Our most successful period of cricket ever, the nouties, was littered with some of the greatest cricketers this sun burnt country has produced and probably the oldest. Looking back at that era only one bloke remains today, Ponting. Here was a bloke who was “blooded” young – 19, I believe – had a few dramas early, bourbon and beefsteak etc, was dropped, came close to the axe again, but then flourished and blossomed into the second best batsman this nation has produced. Ponting’s most productive run scoring years were between 2002 and 2009, making him approximately 27-28 when he piled on the majority of his runs.

27-28, the supposed age of maturity for a batsman, a period which lasts untill he is approximately 33.

Hmmm? Let’s see who else flourished in “peak” maturity.

Mathew Hayden – Hados was given a start early and was shakier than an Indonesian people boat. The Queenslander was given a few starts and was destined by many an on-looker to be state player forever, untill he was given one last chance to prove himself. What age was he? 28! As you know a ton of runs flowed in the years after, as Hados proved to be one of the games best cinderella stories and greatest opening bats.

Justin Langer – Not untill 2001 when Langers took the number 1 position in the Aussie team did he cement himself as one of the best openers we have produced. How old was he? 29!

Damien Martyn – In and out for a number of years and was also given a crack as a promising young fella. However, Marto only came good when given an opportunity late in his career, around 2001. He took it, and runs flowed! How old was Marto? 29

I’m seeing a pattern here.

Micheal Hussey –  Had the highest test average other than Bradman for a long period of time and was the most stable bat in Australia for a few years. How old was the Huss? He didn’t play a test untill he 30!

Adam Gilchrist – Only the greatest wicket-keeper batsman the game has ever seen! This bloke didn’t get a start untill he was 29!

Phil Jaques – Test debut, 2005. How old? 26!

Wato finally came good after years of state work

Andew Symonds – Test debut in 2004, how old was he when he started scoring runs at a test level? 31!

Stuart Clarke – test debut, 2006. How old was he? 31!

The list gets bigger!

Simon Katich – Didn’t become a permanent fixture until 2004, and didn’t become the bat we know him untill well after that. Kat was over 30 when he started killing it.

Daren Lehman – Boof didn’t do much chop in the test arena until he was around 30.

Martin Love – scored a hundred in his last test, he was 29 when he made his debut.

Brad Hodge – Test debut aged?………you guessed it, 30!

Colin Miller – Funky was test player of the year in 2001. Made his debut at……….36!

I could name more, but I’m getting tired of proving my point.

The list above is a bunch of blokes who have good test match figures and a mob of oldies that were far from duds in the arena of test cricket. In fact, this list proves that picking players, particularly batsman, at the ripe age will produce quality fruit – slightly wrinkled fruit maybe – but good fruit nonetheless.

One aspect the list also shows is that quite a few of these chaps were given starts early in their careers, “blooded” if you will. And what were there returns? Pickles! Pickles accompanied by late nights, chick chasing, fights, woeful shot selections and numbing fear at the crease. All of the above blokes who were given early starts achieved all their runs and wickets after the age of 27!

Something that I can’t get away from and which just keeps smashing me (and I’m sure the sectors) in the head every time I think of the era just gone is, WE DIDN’T LOSE! How much bigger can the writing be on the wall for the mushrooms at CA headquarters! If blooding blokes means we watch a bunch of wet dicks try and fail for three-quarters of a decade before shot selections, maturity and balls become second nature, then prepare to have a barren, winless, gutless and woeful period of cricket from the national side. We can all celebrate as we wrap their acne covered bodies in cotton wool, cuddling the younglings toward their 27th birthday and some eventual success, while in the mean time give out good try and most improved awards at the Allan Border medal as we take joy in their baby steps towards cricket man hood. Pffftt… Kill me!

The blooding of young blokes doesn’t wash with me. Although, I accept there been exceptions, Mcgrath being one which comes to mind, but in general we watch these green youngsters find their feet, taking several seasons before they become accepted by the masses of lounge room critics and pub ear bashers. The blokes above have come in or back into the test side at the right age and had immediate impact. This says that blooding at test level in this country is pointless. It also says, rather loud and clear, that our state and first class cricket is the place to blood green talent. A long apprenticeship in the toughest first class competition in the world is a more than adequate preparation for test cricket’s grind and patience.

This is not to say we should never pick a guy under 25 again; there will always be one or two exceptions. But the evidence is overwhelming in favour of waiting until the time is right before a cobber is given his baggy green, particular for batsman. So let’s stop trying uncover another Don or Warne and instead trust in our state system to produce the apples needed to conquer test cricket again. Otherwise, we can enjoy a Simpson Desert exsistance of wins and enjoy the Steve Smith’s of the country given a number 6 batting gurnsey. I know what I would rather see.

That's it green dick, have a go!

Ordering Caviar. Getting Spam.

It looks like Watto is going to be put on ice for next week’s first test at Brisbane.

Moises: not parting any bowling attacks.

A while back, you would’ve been forgiven for wanting to hunt him off the scene and into retirement due to the amount of time he spent with the physio. But now he’s one of our most valuable commodities after a couple of years of rock-solid contributions at international level, so you can forgive the medicine men for wanting to take caution with his health.

So with the composition of the team in a state of flux due to injuries and peculiar form fluctuations, who knows what direction they will take for this match?

Pray for Dan Christian.


It appears like they will use it as an opportunity to test the waters with a new opening combination. The whispers are growing louder by the day that Watson is heading south to 6 in the batting order, so this will be a one match audition for a specialist opener to fill the void.

But what if they opted for a carbon-copy all-rounder?

Due to Watson’s dazzling rise to world-class status and his clean run with injury, we haven’t needed to look into the cupboard to see what’s on offer as backup. So I’ve scoured the pantry and come up with some rations that could be called upon if we ran out of supplies.

Brace. This is going to sound discourteous no matter how I garnish it.

There’s some young prospects here, but if we needed some weathered experience and proven match-winning capacity at the drop of a hat, we would be going from caviar to spam.

Yes. This man has sold you a burger in the past.

Here’s the older hands:

Moises Henriques: has represented Australia with distinction at junior level and played a couple of ODI’s in 2009. Since then, his bowling seems to have morphed into gun-barrel straight arrows and his batting, whilst potentially explosive, is usually patchy.

Andrew McDonald: a steady bowler who can be useful when the conditions are favourable by persistently nibbling at an uncomfortable length. However, had his helmet knocked clean off his head at the crease on debut. Say no more.

James Hopes: an honest toiler and a good dehydrator of runs with his medium-pacers at ODI level but lacks enough penetration to be a wicket-taking prospect in the test arena. His batting is dependable but not fearful and one feels that his window has closed.

Faulkner: bolter from across the Bass.

Forgiveness please- I’ve dragged the mood down. So here’s some raw rookies who may not be ready for the blowtorch of the test arena yet, but at least they allow some light into the room.

Dan Christian: probably the current front-runner of the bunch after trumpeting his arrival last summer with some blistering short-form showings. Has also reinforced his claims with some sturdy performances at Shield level so far this campaign.

Mitchell Marsh: another cricketing gem from the Marsh gene pool who has big wraps from those in important places. Has contributed with some good hauls of wickets for WA this season but will need to produce some large and patient scores to get his name further up in lights.

James Faulkner: he’s a smoky pick but can’t be denied a mention after a super 10/11 season where he took 36 wickets @ 17.72 and scored 300 runs @ 30. Has a reputation as more of an impact player, but at the green age of 21, we could be yet to see his best in the longer form of the game.

What’s your thoughts my associate spray-dispensers?

Is our bench of the skill-gifted a special’s board or a bucket of overcooked returns?

Australia Nay?


McMahon (the fastbowlerscartle) and Brown here with our take on the most disgruntled Aussie Cricket side.

  While the dust settles in Johannesburg and a jubilant Aussie team attempt to break Nathan Brackens record of 6 vodka cruisers on the flight home, another party is about to take place. Greg Matthews is hosting a dinner which will assemble some of the selectors least favourite sons.

 They are:- The Openers.

  • Simon Katich, The Kat is still licking himself and his wounds after being thrown into the alley by Hilditch and his band of goons.
  • Michael Slater, Slats was shafted by Tugga & Co. in the 2001 Ashes and hit the bottle harder than his cut shots.
  • They set the platform for the middle order of:-
  • Brad Hodge, The dodgy axing of Hodgy was a surprise to him and everyone. His last Test innings, a bludgeoning 203* couldn’t stop him from having his contract bludgeoned. One more test followed as a fill in. axed averaging 55.
  •  Martin Love, was shown none despite 100* in his last test.
  • Stuart Law, one of the best “One test wonders” is still clutching at straws as to why he was goneski after 54*on debut.
  •  Andrew Symonds, a very talented all-rounder, but a few alcohol-related incidents had Roy fishing in troubled waters, the tartare on the Barra was when Roy decided go skip a team meeting to drop a line in the Kakadu. However, Captain Clarke dropped a line of his own to Roy informing him he was dropped.
  • The ‘keeper is Ian Healy, a stalwart behind the stumps for many summers, Heals was stumped from behind by the selectors denying him a farewell test in Brisbane.
  • The Bowlers:- Nathan Hauritz, was Haury-fied after finding his feet before being bowled a wrong ‘un by the selectors and flipped out of the team.
  • Michael Beer, has played 2 more tests than all of us will and should be bloody grateful!! A ringing endorsement from Warnie (who probably had too much of his last name) got him a gig but he failed to shout the selectors back with some wickets.
  • The Quicks, Jason Gillespie, great test bowler plagued by injuries. Dizzy had his mullet cut off by selectors, Why? For committing the heinous crime of scoring 201* against the Bangers and winning the match for his country.
  • Scott Muller, infamous for being apart of the “Joe the Cameraman” debacle. Muller was promptly sent a letter by the selectors that stated “You cant bowl, you can’t throw and you can’t come back!”
  •  As usual Andy Bichel is 12th man after carrying the drinks on a record 19 occasions for his country, now a selector himself maybe some revenge is in store following his axing after the 2003 World Cup.

      On the menu for these sourpusses is a selection from masterchef and a man who never missed a lunch break Darryl Hair. The entrée will be a golden roasted duck served with butterfingers. The main, is a choice of either the Surf n Turfed or the grilled Scapegoat with a Cheese Doff sauce. This will be accompanied by a bottle of aged Sourgrapes or Lemon, Lime and Bitterness. Supper will be Chucker steak pies, followed by a Back to the Forest cake for dessert.

As with all great dinner parties, games are a highlight of any group gathering, so Mo has put together a few which will cater to the evenings special guests. Included for the night’s entertainment are:

  • -Pass the contract
  • -Who’s number is this?
  • -Pinyarta of Hilditch’s face
  • -Twister the knife in my back
  •  -Pin the tail on the Scapegoat

To bring the evening to a close, the lemonsuckers will be entertained by DJ Mo Mo and the Yeah Yeah’s who will belt out the ol’ classics off a compilation album put out by the Cricketers Union of Non Test Selections, or C.U.N.T.S for short. All monies raised for CUNTS will assist future players dudded by the CA regime. These songs epitomise the gut-wrenching bitterness felt by all CUNTS members and keep that seeping axe wound fresh on all CUNTS members minds.

The album includes: Achy Breaky Heart-Billy Ray Cyrus; What about me? – Shannon Noll; Dont look back in anger – Oasis; Aint no second prize – Chisel; I’m blue – (da ba dee); Never tear us apart – INXS; Cry me a river – Justin Timberlake; Heartache Tonight-Eagles; It’s not fair- Lily Allen; Long road to ruin – Foo Fighters; The Unforgiven+St Anger – Metallica; With or without you – U2; Whats my age again? – Blink182; You are not my friend – Frenzel Rhomb; All you need is love -Beatles; Better days – Pete Murray; and We don’t like cricket- 10CC.


Future clouded by mud performances

What a bloody great win last night. Let the Castle Lager flow in the name of a 1-1 draw!

Based on the recent standards of our flaky batting division, I expected a mild charge towards victory before a slow demise at the hands of mortal middle-to-lower order wounding.

Somehow, the lads defied the odds by cobbling together some resilient, and at times scintillating partnerships. These were enough to see us tumble across the line to clinch a series draw in a humdinger of a contest. The fact that there isn’t a third and deciding test for us to sink our teeth into is a cricketing sin, as there surely would’ve been pyrotechnics.

This win has dumped a shovel of filthy soil into the clear waters that were sweeping away the careers of a handful of our stars. It seemed the majority of the fans and media had begun considering life without Ricky Ponting, Mitch Johnson, Brad Haddin and Phil Hughes until each of them contributed to this famous victory in some way.

Is it the last time we've seen the hairy little man?

I’m gonna stir up those muddy waters further with a big branch from the tree of injury concerns.

There is a cloud over Shane Watson, and assured replacements Shaun Marsh and Ryan Harris are also going to struggle to come up for the date with New Zealand.

Now I’m sure you’ve gone cross-eyed.

The extreme blend of fluctuating form, injury concerns and four big sets of cricketing boots being jammed in the closing door are sure to point the selectors in the direction of keeping the status quo. But only for the next 2 tests against the Kiwis.

This quartet of dead men walking need to stamp their authority on this series in a large and uncompromising way. And then continue the form.

This recent culture of producing one outstanding performance when the chips are down is starting to grate on me. You can’t expect to be a passenger for 9 tests after dominating in 1.

It’s like a couple who have their standard sexual encounter once a week, and then on one occasion the girl unexpectedly whips out the toys. You just can’t go back to conventional and mundane 45 second missionary position sex after bedroom fireworks and expect to keep getting the call-up.

Once the benchmark is set, there should be a fair and reasonable expectation that those standards are achieved at regular junctures. Not just when it suits the personal predicament.

Dud performers take note.

Cheers Darren. Bomb the comm box on the way out please.

Darren planting one for the final time.

Darren Lockyer has left the building.

The chainsaw vocals were heard as a player for the last time on Sunday morning, once more whilst he held aloft a trophy for winning something.

No amount of silver will change that gravel voicebox.

It’s become the norm over the farewell tour that has spanned the last 6 months.

With all due respect, being a person who loathes Brisbane and Queensland, it’s been a long time coming. Seeing his bald mug at the pointy end of repeated success for these 2 mobs has become rather dated, but I guess he deserves all of the success that comes his way.

Its the way its been for the last 16 years, so why should this year be out of the ordinary?

I think that’s why I allowed myself a cheeky little giggle when he shanked the daylights out of his charity kick for goal at the end of the match.

To be able to have him bow out on Sunday in the national colours was fitting. That way, the whole of the Aussie rugby league community could send him off with their best wishes as he was pulling a result out of the fire for everybody, not just some bloody team from north of the Tweed.

One feature of his swansong match that should be dragged out the back and pistol-whipped was the English commentary.

Pom callers: on the quality hallucinogens.

These pelicans wipe their behinds with the ‘Code of Conduct’ booklet for broadcasters. Even allowing for a small variety of home-town bias, they still rankle with their distinctive brand of one-eyed calls. And don’t be duped into thinking that these are just irregular isolated incidents.

I won’t outline every single comment they made that crossed the line; there’s not enough spare data space in my computer to start a list like that.

However, this should put it into perspective: they believed the penalty try awarded to England in the final was a fair and correct call.

I’ve never seen Sterlo chomping at the bit as hard as he was at half-time. He was eager to get into the task at hand as there was plenty on his plate to do. It was because he had empowered himself with the responsibility of correcting every glaring error they made.

And that was only 40 minutes deep, with the game in the balance.

We need to thank the footy gods for the presence of Brian Carney. He was the only voice of reason coming from the commentary. Time and time again he valiantly tried to balance the opinions and inject some fairness.

I’ll leave you with his final effort of defending commentary equality.

He respectfully requested as the match faded out that “even though we are losing, we should soak up the last minutes of a legend of the game.”

To which the head looney of the bunch replied…

“No chance.”

The weekend wrap (21/11/11) according to Browny

  • The internationals lose to the Yanks in the President’s Cup – Well, if there was one thing Greg Norman was good at during his playing career, it was coming second. As we know, the Shark was an outstanding golfer, but old Greg was more comfortable being a bridesmaid than a Bride. This i’m sure rubbed off on his team and without doubt is the main reason for their failure. In making sure that the team could collect a silver medal, the Shark hand picked a bloke who has been more occupied with spraying officals than winning, Robert Allenby. If there was a guy in world golf that Norman knew could emulate his own walk straight into a runner’s up gernsey, Allenby was his man. Allenby has had an outstanding 10 years picking up approximatley zero PGA wins during that time. Well done Shark, go home home and have a second serving of your left over runner’s up pudding!
  • The Roos belt the Poms and Locky goes out a winner – Sheens’s job is safe and Locky walks into the hall of imortals. As I predicted, the Aussies beat the Poms by 20 – was there any doubt? To even consider that the pale Pom poofters from the north would be able to match an Aussie side on his belt. particularly one ozzing with more talent than a beauty pagent and one aiming to send off a living legend with another notch. One question I have is, what was the live price on Locky slotting that goal? I bet pretty short, which means placing a pineapple on him missing it would have bought you a small house. Surely Lock diddn’t do a Tandy?
  • Cummins takes 6 on debut – I know, I know. It was only the other day I had Cummo singled out as Australia’s next great test pie chucker, joining other bowlers who possessed speed, but high averages and fat economy rates. So, for now I’ll place the humble pie in the oven, but It will be a while before I pull it out.

The Gerringong Jets lose to Warrilla, but show some ticker to beat Shellharbour. – I’ll save you all the boring stuff, but our run chase in the Warrila game was looking shot untill ex Warrilian now Jets’ skipper Fozzy, combined with ballsy number 11 Jason Rutledge for a 60 run partnership to give the Jets a sniff at an unlikely victory. However, the boys fell a little short due to Warrila reverting to sending down a beamer at our number 11, thus giving Rutledge a busted hand.
Against the Shellharbour side though, the Jets came away with cookies after the Jets’ own cool cat Scott Groves hit a breezy 43. Such is the coolness of this cat, a few of the team have dubbed him the Brendan Nash of Gerringong – Brendan Nash being a white guy yet of West Indian heritage.
Pitch quality – better than anything else we’ve played on this year.
Cordial quality – best in the comp
tea – is there any better.

My tips for the test.

I don’t think this will be Punter’s last. A score of at least 50 is certain.
Pat Cummins? I’m not seeing what all the fuss is about? The bloke looks not much different to any other proclaimed saviour we have trundled out in the last 5 years. These days pace alone doesn’t get you wickets like it use to. Mcgrath, Stuart Clarke, Tremlet, Shane Watson and that Paki prick who just got suspended have shown that persistant line and length combined with an ability to move the ball will get you the cookies. I’m afraid, Cummo, we could be looking at another Brett Lee, Shaun Tait and M Johnson. A bloke always within sight of the blade.
A.B Deviliers to be leading run scorer in the match, Lyon to take 6 wickets for the match, and Australia to win on day 5.
Bold stuff I know.

Where does Super Sally rate?

Sally: looking out for herself on the news.

Us Aussies are sometimes guilty of being insular when it comes to sport.

We chock our guts in winter with our footy codes and neck schooners of cricket in the summer, seldom pausing to sample the tasting plate on offer from our unknown battlers on the world stage.

But even allowing for our ignorance, its a wonder that the achievements of Sally Pearson in 2011 haven’t registered a greater reading on the local sporting richter-scale.

Her first triumph was taking out gold in the 100 metres hurdles at the World Championships in South Korea with a time of 12.28 seconds. This was the fourth fastest run clocked of all time.

That landed her a 15 second story from Ken Sutcliffe on the nightly news, which is considered the promise land for the overseas Aussie athlete.

But this wasn’t a laurel she was prepared to snooze on. Prepare yourself for some crazy numbers.

She continued her fight for attention by repeatedly belting her international opponents over the course of the year to the tune of 10 wins in 11 races, as well as producing 7 of the season’s 11 quickest performances.

That’s consistently bloody fast in any language.

Her season of crushing the world’s best culminated in being named IAAF Female Athlete of the Year. With results like hers, its a wonder who else could’ve topped her.

Not a bad year really, was it?

To my posse of Spray Deliverers; lend me your opinions. We all know that Cadel Evans and Sam Stosur planted the flag on elevated platforms this year, where does Sally’s star lie?

Or are there any other lesser lights who deserve 15 seconds of Kenny’s time?

An attack to dispatch them all! (best bowlers)

So sprayers, If you were asked to choose any 4 bowlers to make up your attack, who would they be?

 Or, who do you rate as the best 4 bowlers ever?

 Curtly Ambrose – I would give old sausage lips the new pill and let him rip in! Ambrose’s record is outstanding. He has one of the best averages of all time, but he was also fast and accurate, a truly fearsome bowler. He would be a nightmare for any opening bat.








 Wasim Akram – probably the best left hander of all time! Akram was fast, accurate and could hold the ball on string when it was swinging. I would have this bloke open up with Ambrose. Having a contrasting style to Calypso warrior, as well as combining to be a left, right combination, the two would be perfect to terrorise any top order. As with Ambrose, Akram’s average is outstanding! But you can only wonder what his average might have been had he not been accepting backhanders from John the book maker and his mates. He possessed a quick arm action and economical run up, and was just as effective with the old ball as he was with new. A sensation to watch.








 Malcom Marshall –  Although Marshall possess a better average than anyone, Akram gets the new rock ahead of Marshall basically because he’s a lefty, but what a bowler to come in as first change. Although Marshall was the smallest of all the great West Indian bowlers, his stats rate him as the greatest. He was extremely sharp, often hurrying the ball onto the batsman and was claimed to able to produce pace seemingly out of nowhere. He was also one of the few bowlers who could utilise any conditions put in front of him. Unlike the robots being produced out of cricket academy’s today, Marshall used his God-given noodle to assess conditions and work batsman out – something not too many blokes do any more. He would adjust his pace and change his run up to suit the conditions, and was also able to work out a batsman’s weaknesses and exploit them. A genius!

 Shane Warne – Who else would you have as your spinner? Murili for some, but for me SK gets the nod as the spinner and 4th bowler. As we know, Warne not only beat batsman with his accurate and deadly bag of tricks, he also beat them through his presence, intimidation and mind games, often before they’d even faced a ball – Darryl Cullinan can attest to that. At his peak, with flipper in optimal working order, Warne used to set batsman after batsman up before deploying his slippery weapon either through to the castle or onto the batsman’s pads. It was a joy to watch. And who could forget the times he would land an innocuous leg break a foot outside leg stump only to leave the batsman bewildered as they realise they’d had their lollies stolen out of their back pocket. The guy was a wizard!



So sparyers that’s it. Ambrose and Akram to crack skulls with new rock, followed by Marshall and Warne to send the rest of the lemons packing.

Who would you have?

Feel free to post or comment your selections.

Lock it in Eddie!!!!

So sprayers I know this topic is not going to be close to many hearts out there…..

But it’s been brewing in the Dingo’s system and it needs to be released before I become a Rabid dog on a rampage….

Eddie “f^&king” McGuire…..

Seriously Eddie…Lock it in….That’s your head, in a huge industrial vice and let the Dingo tighten it until ya head pops off your stupid bloody shoulders…

What’s made the Dingo so mad I hear you ask….

Well Eddie has just pushed me over the limits….He’s come out today in the media and declared War on GWS if they make a play for Scott Pendlebury next year when he comes off contract….

Oh poor poor Collingwood who might happen to deal with losing one of their Dozen absolute stars to the new Franchise! Come on Ed, stop having a cry and wake up and smell Dencorub…

You pricks at Collingwood has been looked after by the AFL for way too long.
Piss easy draws, leniency when your players step out line, the list goes on….

And you want to  stop something every other club has to deal with….

Wake up to yourself you oxygen thieving bastard!!! Now where’s that vice?

Bland British Beef won’t stop Kangaroos coming to the Four

It looks like Australian rugby league fans can go back to taking the Four Nations title for granted.

Little Brother is on the plane back home, leaving us the straightforward task of conquering Old Mother this Sunday morning.

Ellery Hanley: from the era when the Lion would happily step on the Convict's nuts for victory.

A win will see the Kangaroos regain some international respect as well as erode a small part of the undesirable ‘high stakes asphyxiate’ tag that has been sitting ingloriously around the neck for a few years now.

Thanks to the Kiwi’s penchant for turning on the style for one game a tournament, we’ve had to deal with it over the recent past. And personally, I’m sick of suffocating on peanuts at the business end of these dances.

I’ve decided its time to welcome back world glory, nurture it for a few precious moments while it’s cool, and then turn my attention back on to the Rooster’s interests once the euphoria subsides.

And I don’t foresee there being too many hazards on the pathway back to global tournament redemption.

Remember the days when facing off against the Poms was a legitimate concern?

Brit speedster Martin Offiah: showing serious pace to outrun Beaver.

You would set the alarm and get up at an ungodly hour to watch our boys wade through a stream of British knees, elbows and gouges to work for ascendancy in the match.

Wembley would be bulging at the seams. The atmosphere was tangible.

You would sweat watching our boys being mercilessly short-changed by classic Old Dart refereeing. You would keep the neighbourhood awake by hollering your guts out for every point.

Then your national pride would balloon once hard-earned victory was achieved, knowing that this was done in front of thousands of bellowing, boozed-up pasty Brits and under the duress of piss-cold conditions and fog as thick as Spud Carroll’s melon.

Our touring party would be christened with glorious names like “Invincibles” and “Unbeatables”. Getting the cash was a tough ask, and the rugby league public respected this.

It was the days when the Mother Country fulfilled its corner of the deal in making international rugby league credible.

But these days, I wouldn’t back them with Dingo’s money.

They are a shadow of their former rich past. And when I say ‘shadow’, I mean a withered, gaunt, un-fed, malnourished and mistreated ghost of a shadow who is in need of an ample feed of talent that comes from inside their own patch of land. Not from picking the low-hanging fruit from elsewhere in the world.

(I digress. The roast of international league’s player eligibility rules and England’s willingness to take advantage of these, I shall save for another time. Tonie Carroll, you can relax.)

GI: one of the billion reasons we won't lose.

The Poms seem adept at playing a good 55 minute game of football; a composite of small flashes of domination which make you think they have turned the corner back to their wonder days. But it always seems to wither in the end.

So my associate Sprayers, do any of you hold any hope of this weekends final being an absolute crackerjack ball-tearer?

Will we be crying into warm beer whilst listening to sunburnt Poms sing geezer victory tunes?

Or can we be confident that the silverware will once again be ours, and then appropriately shoved up the back of our trophy cabinet to be forgotten about for another 12 months?

Dane Eldridge Tries Hard

Contemporary rugby league surrealism and hot takes on Shane Warne