Back in the penthouse but it may have ugly lights.

ELD PENS HIS THOUGHTS ON THE FIRST TEST AMID THE EUPHORIA OF AUSSIE TEST VICTORY!

 

Everyone stop talking about the DRS and hook in to the soup!

There’s no better way to soothe the anguish that our beloved team continues to cause us as it repeatedly races between the penthouse and the shithouse like an elevator on party powders.

Siddle will diddle your middle. Order.

Yes that’s right: the same mob who crashed to New Zealand recently just steamrolled the powerful Indians in the Boxing Day test to go 1-0 up in the series.

So treat that beer as medicinal as well as celebratory.

The team managed to block out a few weeks of a nation spewin’ and fire back with a win for the ages against an Indian batting lineup that can only be described as daunting and downright frightful.

Not to mention operating under the duress of having to carry our batting unit, who once again collectively stunk like 3 weeks of forgotten farts.

Firstly though, let’s turn the spotlight on to that magnificent trio of trundlers, Messers Siddle, Pattinson and Hilfenhaus.

There’s no doubt that the lion’s share of the laurels must go to these purveyors of pace.

Wasn’t it a bloody treat to see our quicks beating the bat, pitching the ball up, getting some movement and intimidating with the odd rendition of some chin music?

Especially James Pattinson. I reckon this kid has got six caffeinated mental kangaroos bouncing around inside his brain. He’s a shizoid.

Any jimbob can produce aggression; the staring, the body language, the odd cuss word, the subtle threats of physical violence etc. But it’s another kettle to go and pick up a batsmen’s wicket as he wonders if there’s any mud in his strides.

So far in his brief career, Big Jimmy has been doing this. Let’s hope it continues. Whoever is feeding him his meds, keep it up.

I’ll go on the record and admit that I thought the selectors were drunk when they drafted in Big Benny too. I didn’t think the team could be improved with the inclusion of 130 km outswingers that were on the adjacent pitch by the time they reached the batsman.

But he proved us all wrong. The big brickie is back up to 145km and is getting some late bend. This is vintage Hilf.

Pattinson: keep away from pensioners, children and anything fragile.

As for Sids, his desire to inflict pitch trauma every ball is stronger than ever. And dare I say it, but is he beginning to become quasi-reliable with bat in hand?

No doubt about it, the seamers had a match to remember. But there’s going to be some sweatier days of labour over the course of this series.

As for the batsman, watching them makes slamming your junk in a car door look like fun.

Before I put the ball on the tee, a special mention must go to debutant Ed Cowan for his capable display of ‘wicket respect’, and to Mike Hussey and Ricky Ponting for pulling us out of the nightclub before the ugly lights came on.

But this is like to trying to cover up a mountain with a post-it note. Catastrophe reigned once again.

Ich liebe Hilf. (no responsibility taken for inaccurate translation.)

Individually, these blokes are ready to take on the world. Check the player profiles and digest their numbers!

We’ve got all-time greats, fearless young bucks, project players who have progressed through the system and guys who have barged their way in to the team because their recent accomplishments demand so.

Chuck them together in a match situation though and they conspire to drop off in clusters and breed pressure for everyone else. You can set your Seiko to a collapse these days.

Thanks to our dear old friend ‘victory’, there will be no axe-sharpening in the lead-up to Sydney. But a few guys would be naive to think that the dreaded tap isn’t lingering somewhere up the back of the sheds, patiently waiting for another monumental f*ck-up.

How long Huss and Punter have bought themselves with their critical knocks is anyone’s guess. Mr Haddin however is perilously close to finding himself in the trough with the urinal cakes very soon. He would know just as well as anyone that he needs to have an impact in Sydney or it could be toodles.

Spraybots… join me in rash post-match commentary and give your views below! Unload immediately with thoughtless predictions! Make important statements in the dying embers of the match!  We bloody won, it’s our time to mouth-off!

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What will happen in the test?

You can tick more than one box and feel free to write your thoughts too!

The Year That Was Dingo Style!

Punters,

So the year has nearly run it’s course!

And how quickly has it been and gone!

I thought it was appropriate that your friendly K9 goes over a few of biting issues in the Sporting World for what was the Year 2011!

AUSTRALIAN CRICKET

January saw a small part of K9 die!!! Australia’s weak performance and complete and utter annihilation at the hands of the old dart kicked things off in a very poor way.

Straussy and his band of other mercenaries under the English Banner demolished our cricket team on our home patch.

Things didn’t get much better either. In March Ricky Ponting stood down as Australian Captain and to the Dingo’s and most of Australia’s disgust, The DOG that is Michael Clarke was put in charge.

"Captain not so Couragous"

Only after going through a overhaul of his own image. Losing the Hand Bag that was Lara “I’m as dumb as Dingo’s Turds” Bingle. Lara the silly bitch thought it was appropriate to flush half the Diamonds of Australia down the Bowl when the Dog had finally worked out she was a massive slab of concrete holding him down! No wonder the stupid prick has back issues!!!!

Anyway this didn’t sway the Australian Public. Dog was still as popular as someone dropping their guts in an Elevator. To make things worse, the very popular and hard as nails Simon Katich had been told he was no longer a part of future plans with the Test team.

There was public outcry and the Dingo lead the way calling for the Dogs head on the end of a spear! I’ve got a bit of advice for the Dog….I’d suggest avoiding Fraser Island as one of your holiday destinations, as me family would be quite happy to enjoy a meal  out on the Dog!!!!

Back to the cricket, Tour to Sri Lanka saw the Dog start his reign as test skipper a winner! This merely covered over the cracks that were in the Australian Team. It didn’t take them long to appear! Australia head to South Africa were they managed to embarrass themselves at whole new level! Rock and Rolled for 40 odd and losing a test that seemed to be unloseable after bowling the Saffa’s out for 90 odd.

It wasn’t all doom and gloom in South Africa. Australia managed to Unearth Patrick “Stains in ya pants” Cummins! Cummins showed so raw ability in his test debut!

"Coming onto a batsmen"

Australia then moved onto the Summer Series back home against the Sheep Shaggers! What did the Aussies manage to achieve? Their 1st loss to the Kiwi’s in Australia for 25 years!

Phil Hughes also managed made a right old dick of himself! Becoming good mates with Chris “I’m not a Rockstar & Can’t Bat for Shit” Martin & Martin “Just keep on hitting em to me Hughesy” Guptil! Phil managed to snick his way out of the test side and back to park Cricket!

2011 also saw Cricket Australia jump on T20 bandwagon introducing it’s Money Hungry KFC Big Bash League. Pulling retired cricketing legends Shane Warne & Matthew Hayden not so cricket legends Stuart Macgill and Brad Hogg out of retirement to be the face of the league!

The Pyjama game is here to entertain the short concentrated simple folk. It’s certainly by no means the Dingo’s preference being a cricket royalist and tragic…. But hey I’m up for a bit of Hit & Giggle or even Slap & Tickle while ever Warnie and EH are involved!

"would the real Shane Warne please stand up?"

RUGBY UNION!

F&*^ing BORING!

Finding Highlights in Rugby Union is always a tough ask! The game is a s%6t fight! Constantly ruined by the officials blowing the absolute piss out of the whistle!

Anyway 2011 saw the Might QLD Reds bring home the Super 14 Trophy to Austarlia.  Big Ewen Mckenzie has managed to turn a bunch of easy beats into an entertaining Rugby Outfit (I’m still not convinced it’s entertaining!)Strongly lead by James Horwill and well guided around the park by Will Genia & Quade Cooper! Digby Ioane entertained the masses with his post try celebrations….and the best thing of all, the Kiwi Prick Richie Mccall went home a loser!

Now that was until the world cup when the sheep shaggers on their own turf and after taking a pact to refrain from abusing their animals, blew just about everyone out of the water! The French Frog nearly pulled of the miracle in the Final, but the Kiwi’s hung tough and the dirty, arrogant, cheating bastard that is Richie McCall had the last laugh.

RUGBY LEAGUE

The absolute highlight of the rugby league year was the Darren Lockyer Farewell Tour! Razzle Dazzle went on one of the best farewells gifted to any athlete. It including his broncos going deep into Finals, A State of Origin Victory and to top it off a nice little farewell with a Four Nations Title.

His leadership in the yet another Series win against hapless Cockroaches was top notch.  QLD was tested all the way this series due to introduction of Ricky Stuart as head coach!

Sticky Ricky was fantastic! Playing every trick in the book! Telling everyone who would listen how good QLD was and how there was no pressure on NSW, how QLD had influenced the match officials for so long.  Ricky had the whole siege mentality thing working well for him. He tried to match the QLD passion! It was all so very emotional! The Dingo could of nearly shed a tear…..

Bahahaha! Piss of Ricky…ya dribbler!!!

One downer on the Rugby League year was having to put up with those whinging pricks Manly winning the comp! The Sea Eagles spent the whole year in the news! Constantly complaining and bitching about something! Usually just the Stewart boys crying about how David Gallop has it for them blah blah blah!

Hey Brett, don’t try and feel up young girls when ya pissed off ya nit and Gallop won’t have a problem with ya, you snivller!

"nah mate your not my type, i prefer 17 yrs old who say no"

Even Door Plus Hasler had enough by the end of year! Taking his mullet and premiership ring to Belmore for a fresh start! Fully Sick bro!

AFL

No doubt the highlight of the year was watching the AFL Grand Final and seeing those Collingwood Pricks eat sh*t! Nothing warms the Dingo’s heart more than watching Eddie & Co chewing on sour grapes and Poo sandwiches!!!!

Suck a big one Eddie!

"Soaked Pies or is that eyes?"

2011 also saw the AFL machine that is the GWS take off. Led by the senile old prick Kevin Sheedy, GWS travelled the country spinning their message to any old fool who would listen! Trying to push their way into the League Heartland of Western Sydney! Whether they make inroads is very unlikely, but the AFL won’t die wondering! Throwing money at it like it’s going out of fashion!

GOLF

Saw Tiger Woods break a 2 year winning drought! Tiger got back to nailing Birdies! Not long afterwards he made a winning putt on 18th Green to win a tournament!

2011 also saw Greg “the Snake” Chalmers stamp his authority on the Aussie Tour winning both the Aussie Open and Aussie PGA tournaments. The Snake showed his abilities on course, but did cop the ire of the Dingo after blabbering like a baby during one of his victory speeches.

Robert Allenby was also in the Golfing Headlines in 2011. As usual with Robert it was for all the wrong things! The sooner this prick retires, the better! The dingo is sick and tired of reading the drivel about him! Do us all a favour Robert!

TENNIS

Sam “I’d make a Bulldog Spew” Stosur managed to do her country proud winning the US Open! The issue with Sam’s victory is the fact it will be more remember for Serina Williams losing her “Banana” when having a run in with linesman and Chair umpire!  Serina really went out of her way to make a “monkey” of herself!

2011 also saw Lleyton Hewitt again waste his time and incorrectly call himself a professional! Lleyon “I’m the 1st round bye” Hewitt really needs to move onto the next step of his life! The retirement village is calling!

SWIMMING

The Super Fish Ian Thorpe made announcement to the World. Not that he’s raving horses hoof, but the fact he’s making a comeback for the London Olympics!

"is coming out of ??????"

2011 was the year of the comeback in Swimming! Skippy Huegill decided it was time to get off the gear and stop eating pies, diving back into the Pool! He did manage to empty the pool in the process but certainly brought  the fans back with his Fat Guts and his belly floppers!

"GUTSY Comeback"

CYCLING

Cadel Evans made history in France. Being the 1st Australian to ever win the Tour De France since it’s begining way back when! Cadel created a huge following for cycling! Many men, women and children were inspired by Cadel and proceded to jump on their bikes!

I know the Dingo is hoping that Hewitt and Crapenby might catch on the bandwagon and jump on their bikes! And hopefully they won’t come back!!!!!

MOTOR RACING

Saw Mark Webber………Well Mark did Sweet F&*k ALL to be honest! He managed to win the last race of the year  and offered false hope to his supporters. Suggesting the Brazilian GP would propel him to big and better things next year! Maybe Cadel could help Mark out….Get on ya Bike son! Remember what happened last time?????

Talking of Bikes, Casey “I Look Like A” Stoner “blew” his rivals away in the Motor GP Championship. Stoner’s opponents experienced plenty of passive smoking of his exhaust fumes as he once again got back on Top! Even giving the Dr the slip and good old spray of his ambitions not matching his abilities. I think young Casey might have had a couple too many hot ones as the Dr is an absolute legend of the Sport!

" U want to smoke this Pipe?"

BOXING

So the year that was in Boxing was pretty similar to previous years. Manny the Pacman dominated for most of the year, apart from getting a bit luck in his last fight of the year when the general opinion was he had lost when in the fact the judges gave him the win. Wouldn’t be a year of boxing without controvsery and dodgy decisions!

Australian Boxing pretty much stayed the same. The real contenders Katisidis & Darchyian made numerious big fights and really flew the flag for Australia. Then there was the Neville’s like Green & Mundine who continued to fight Cab Drivers, Bums, potential corpses and men from the retirement villages.

While Shannon Taylor tried to become a corpse, mistaking Heroin for Cocaine and overdosing. Just another year in Australian Boxing really!!!!

SOCCER

Now does anyone care about the round ball game?  Let’s just say we in Australia are absolute shiser at the game. The National League is sponsored by a freaking cheap as chips Asian Car company.  Quite fitting considering the standard!

Harry and Emerton made a bif of splash with news of their return to Australia for a bit of Cherry on top in Superannuation Fund. Hopefully they can entice a few more of Australia’s best players to return home and continue to improve the standard of our national competition.

Anyway 2011 saw the Brisbane Roar dominate. Winning last season competition after Central Coast Chokers threw away a 2 nil lead with 5 minutes to play!  The roar continued on an unbelievable run, breaking all records.  Only to have recently hit a snag and now on a bit of losing run!

 

Winners are Grinners

 

So as you can see sprayers,  it’s been a big year in Sport! This K9 has certainly enjoyed the sporting world. And look forward to it being even bigger and better in 2012.

So I’m keen to here your thoughts on 2011? Also let the Dingo know if there’s any topics you’d like to see sprayed in 2012!

So punters, it’s time for the Dingo to tuck into some xmas tucker and get absolutely *&*t faced!

Til next year, have a happy christmas and a sloshed new year!

Dingo out!

Thank Christ, it wasn’t just me.

Today I finally had a complete wrong-un hit back to the bowler and confirmed a sneaking suspicion I have held for around 10 years. It was confirmed today that the Don had a completely different batting style to current maestro Sachin Tendulker. This myth was bought about by non other than the Don himself who stated in the now famous interview with Ray Martin that the little master reminded him most of himself. We swallowed this milk like good little kittens and proclaimed Sachin as the Don reincarnated. Pfft!

But if anyone with half a cricketing brain and at least one eye took an actual look at the two, Ray Charles would even see that they are very different, even when you compare the grainy black and white film of the Don to that of the reams of colour film which capture that of the little master in full flight. For one, Tendulker is technically orthodox, side on and plays with a perfectly straight bat. The Don, on the other hand, stood nowhere near as rigid as Tendulker and he placed the bat between his feet. He also didn’t move until the ball was bowled. The only things these two had in common was a great eye, beautiful control over their wrists and therefore the willow, their speed on the feet and their height. But if you were to watch them play a cover drive, no one on the world will tell you it looks the same.

But going back to my first point. As I have already stated, the Don was the man behind this great cricketing myth. But, old Don didn’t come to this conclusion on his lonesome. He told the world that he never watched himself bat and so asked his dear wife Jess to look at the little Indian on the TV to see if he reminded him of himself. Jess’ reply was…. “yes”.

 Well f*&k me, did the woman even watch her husband bat? From that idiotic response you’d have to think not! The only similarities that the Don saw in the little master was an ability to paste an attack. And new research proves it. According to a new paper put out by some nerd, the Don and Sachin were chalk and cheese. If there was anyone who was close to the Don, technically speaking, then that prize goes to the man mountain from Multhan, or Inzamam Ul-Haq as he is otherwise known. Yes!…. that lazy prick from Pakistan is the closest we have seen to the Don’s perfection. Unbelievable!

So, Punters, next time someone tells you that Sachin is the closest thing to the Don, tell them to jam it, they have no idea.

Sachin? I think not!

No, he is not the new Don

 

 

 

 

Sporting Women, Dropped Pies & Ugly Sticks

punters,

well the Dingo has been copping it both barrels!

The Punters are calling the Dingo one eyed and bias! They are calling me a fair weather blogolgist! I’ve even been compared to Rebecca Wilson. Thick as 2 Bricks and no real talent…

The Dingo was hurt by these accusations…. And would like to clear up a few things…

Yes I know Fat Women and Ugly chicks want to feel the love!

And as one our SSD Authors has told me on numerous occassions….every mole has a hole…..

So in light of this sentiment it’s time to give a good shout out to the Ugly Sporting Women of The World who have left their marks on the sporting world….

Mostly through broken camera lenses….but hey this is a balanced article!

So our 1st nomination of the year goes to Samantha “I’d make a Bulldog Spew” Stosur!!!!!

Sam has come to prominence as not only the Aussie Bird who won The US Open, but also famous for making  Serina “I believe in Evolution” Williams look like an Oil Painting……

Sam’s a bit of all rounder on the Tennis Court!!!! But demostrates her best work on the “GRASS” courts!!!!

Jessica Schipper another one of  Australia’s finest athletes to fall from the Ugly True!

Jess Special

Jess is so talented, she’s obviously by passed the Para Olympics and thrown herself in the deep end of profession swimming! She’s got such a strong mental approach that she regular scares the shit out of her competiters!

One Punter asked whether Caster Semenya would qualify as having a head like a drop Guy, sorry I mean Pie!

Brother of Serina & Venus

I actually thought Caster was Venus and Serina’s long lost Brother!!!!!!

Now Punters, the Dingo would like to throw a few names that some of you would never heard of…

Hot Diggy Dog!

Crystl Bustos- now crystl profession is Softball- there’s nothing softball about Crystl! I think kilo’s of raw meat still wouldn’t encourage the King of The Jungle to take her on!

Paula Ratcliffe- now Paula, she’s famous for being able to run! But can’t pace herself!!! Old rancid Paula is famous for being 20k’s into a marathon having to pull over!!!! Not for a piss!!!! She’s so ugly she saw her own reflection in a mirror and shit herself!

Deadset butt Ugly old Paula!

Cheyrl Haworth-

A Picture Says A Thousand Words!

Priscilla Lopes-Schliep- Priscilla can run! I hope she can, i can see a large mob with pitch forks trying to fix her up!

What do they say? Don't look back????

Rebecca Adlington- Rebecca is famous for being a swimmer! however certainly resembles someone who’s been working with bees for years but without the protective gear!

England's all natural Bee Keeper!

So seriously any one hungry?

Didn’t think so!

Dingo out!

The wrap 22/12/11

 

  • The big bash kicks off – The BBL has been going for almost a week and interest only seems to be intensifying! What was the most disappointing part of the first round? Seeing West Indian clubber Chris Gayle get knocked on the hand and then sent packing 2 balls later. I’m sure the TV ratings momentarily fell off the cliff at the time of his dismissal as I’m sure everyone on the planet wanted to see Warner and the cool cat tee off for 10 overs. Sadly, with Warner now on test duties we may not get to see it; the only people rejoicing will be the bowlers.
  • Hughes and Usie are the first casualties of the summer – As was expected, the selectors chopped the out of sorts Hughes back to state cricket and told Kawaja to join him. Both these pups had been a bit lean on runs, but Usi only has one single figure score to his name and at least looks like he might get runs as opposed to slashing a ball straight to second slip, as is in Hughes’s case. So Usi can rest easier at night knowing that at least his technique is sound and not one which has more holes than Indonesian fishing boat.
  • Did anyone get an eye-full of the hot stuff who accompanied swimming dud, Nick Darcy, to the Aussie swimming awards? Absolute stunner! What she sees in the swimming drop kick is beyond me, but I definitely know it’s not for his money. Darcy’s pockets have recently been declared empty due to the court costs and due payout for his personal thumping of former team-mate Simon Cowley. My tip is that his former punching bag was MIA during the awards ceremony; probably sitting at the bank waiting for his reluctantly signed damages cheque to come through.
  • Mark Webber says he can build on Brazilian win going into 2012 – Mark, Mark, Mark. Firstly, you only won that race because your team-mate had “engine problems”, you know and I know that a fully fit red bull under Vettle would have seen you take yet another place on the podium other than first. Secondly, although Vettle was experiencing “engine problems” the bastard still managed to take the spot usually reserved for you. SECOND PLACE! God knows what the little German would have done to the rest of the field had he been flying a fully fit car.
  • The Jets win despite only scoring 95 – The Jets rocked up to Kieth Gray oval at Albion Park and expected to be home sipping beers watching the second grade side by 3pm. But as it turned out the Park had a sticky wicket which suited their slow bowlers and thus sent Gezza packing for a pitiful 95. With the 3pm finish still on the cards, but a humiliating loss to a team fielding muppets a real possibility, Gezza’s opening bowlers grabbed the game by its rocks, knee capping Park to have them 3/3 early in their innings. All of a sudden 92 with only seven wickets in hand seemed a lot taller. The task proved too tall and Park were rolled for 34. But Park have pommy import James Hayman to thank for some of their score, 12 wides from the blonde haired maniac made the scores a lot closer than they actually were. Although, the big fella picked up another 5 wickets and cemented his spot as the competition’s leading wicket taker, he also cemented himself at the top of the sundries list. On ya Jim.
  • – Umpiring – Good
  • – Tea – too much bloody cake, but the best fruit salad ever!
  • – Pitch – Like playing on fudge
  • Cordial – 7/10 

Direct From The Armchair – Pre Xmas Edition

Season’s tidings to my fellow warblers & scribes.

The Armchair critic was today moved to smirk with a gem of a quote from one Phil (C Guptill B Martin) Hughes whose quote was about his recent failures against the sheepshaggers.

” I didn’t play my natural game”

No shit Phil I mean I thought Clarkey or Mickey had told you that Guptill couldn’t catch a cold or that it was your job to make him drop one. The great man Skull said in the ABC commentary box that if you were shaving the next morning after the test & you knicked yourself that Guptill was gonna jump out of the medicine cabinet with a bandaid…. You’re a laughing stock old son so stop coming out with these piss weak excuses get back on your fukin bike & earn your way back into the aussie team through scoring runs.

Whilst on the Aussie Team WTF is Hilfenhaus done to earn a recall??????????

I would rather have Binga Lee back in the team, at least he can take test wickets!!!!! Why wasn’t Harris considered did he get injured again????

Please be my guest to offer your comments

 

You Know I’m Right…..Peace out.

DRS diss proves who really wears the pants

ELD 2.0 IS FUMING OVER AN INTERNATIONAL CRICKET MAN/BITCH RELATIONSHIP. AND IT’S NOT AN ARTICLE ABOUT WARNEY’S OFF-FIELD TRACK RECORD.

 

Should we just whack an ICC logo on the front door of the BCCI offices and be done with it?

We might as well certify the master and it’s puppet.

'You boys might not like the review system, but have you seen my KFC ads?'

Let’s lob the obvious grenade out there: Indian cricket honchos have the game firmly by the berries.

Just like the outsider at school who had to always be different, they’ve set themselves apart by being the only body that won’t embrace the DRS. And everyone bar the principal is lining up to bop the weirdo.

The only issue is that the weirdo funds the school.

These antics from the BCCI continue uninterrupted and the enemies they are creating for themselves are starting to pile up. Why wouldn’t you want to be in the business of eradicating umpire errors and getting decisions correct?

What is their motivation?

In my opinion, it’s a powerplay. A perpetual bitchslap to the rest of the world to remind them who is actually in charge.

The ICC would love to prove themselves as being technologically progressive by putting their foot down and making the DRS uniform for all international matches.

But their adoration of coin lies at the heart of the problem. And there is a colossal income stream flowing from India directly into their money silo.

This is where the advancement of the DRS suffers.

There’s no doubt it has experienced teething problems over its lifetime, and we all accept that it’s a constant work in progress. But it’s positive effects for the game significantly overshadow the negatives.

99% of the cricket galaxy is onboard with the DRS. It’s been tweaked to ensure that the umpire’s authority isn’t greatly undermined. Decisions are being made correctly. The complaining about crucial calls is beginning to abate.

But India stand firm on their mistrust of the system. And them and their chunky stockpile of rupees answer to nobody. So the ICC wears the decision like the well-trained submissive they are.

'Bugger the review, let's watch my fishing video.'

I remember the toys being thrown out of the cot by India the last time they were in Australia when a few off-beam decisions went against them. They called in the suits who threw their weight around and made threats to abandon the tour.

That sounds to me like a team who would prefer that the correct decision be made.

But I won’t be holding my breath waiting for the BCCI to come to the party. Big wads of cabbage talk, and they’ve got them. And I can’t see the ICC wanting to upset the subcontinental money tree anytime soon by challenging their decisions.

Thus exposing the boss and his subordinate.

So we might as well hand the keys over to the BCCI and play IPL all year round.

Who was the biggest Bozo this year?

What was the best sports’ performance by an Aussie this year?

Select an answer and vote. The pole will close on new year’s eve.

Curry Off!

punters,

so the Indian Cricket Team is back in Australia. And you know it didn’t take them long to get back to their stinking usual tricks!

In our beautiful Nations capital today against the Chairmans XI for their final hit out before the Boxing Day Test.

Anyway these whinging, thieving, stinking, curry eating pricks have already pulled out the whole we are walking off…Now this seems to happen way to often.

Last time they were here they threatened to abandon the tour after that stinking dirty Indian Harbajan Singh & his towel got himself suspended for Calling our own Andrew Symonds are monkey!

"So Harbi...which Zoo did you escape from?"

Now I read today, that they’ve threatened to walk out on the Warm up match because of a not so great weather forecast for the next 3 days in Canberra????

Are these pricks for real? Their excuse is that they could be in Melbourne getting some proper practice in, than be in rainy old Canberra? Well if the match was so important for them they did they rest a couple of their batting starts and then win the toss and bat when weather is not of the best nature?

I for one am sick and F^&king tired of these dodgy, poor hygiened bastards holding our game to ransom! It’s about time ICC stood up to these snivelling bastards and put them back in their place! They should be reminded that they a poverty stricken country that really have very little going for itself!

And here, the Dingo was thinking that due to Towel Head Harbajan still being in India because he can’t bowl to save himself anymore this tour would be different….

Don’t be stupid Punters, they are back to their dodgy old ways yet again!

Dingo out!

Hot Sporting Minx 2011

punters,

2011 is coming to an end….and i thought it was a good chance to go over an important issue in World Sports….

Now this issue I do take very seriously, and i suggest that once we tackle this issue be sure to be sitting down and don’t go standing up in public too quickly afterwards!!!!

And the topic of choose is Hot Sporting Minx of 2011!

Now we are looking for some bombshells that have made there way onto the cameras not for just their good looks but because of their feats in their own sporting professions.

40 LOVE!

 One of the Dingo’s personal favourites is the beautiful Ana Ivanovic.Ana has been in the news in 2011 for basically stooping Adam Scott!!!!What a lucky Bastard!

 

Mr Eldridge 2.0 kindly nominated Caroline Wozniacki. Young Wozi has stormed onto the Tennis scene with a cracking year which has seen her “crack” the Number 1 Spot in the Tennis rankings and the hearts of many Men around the worldOh Caroline!!!!!!!!!

                                                                            
 
If Ana or Caroline are not for you,  Maybe the Animal lovers will say Serina Williams is at the top of “Tree” when it comes to Sporting Minx??? 

Tree Climber...oops Tree Topper?

 
 
 
Other Sporting Minx that may top the charts include Alana Blanchard, Heather Mitts, Hope Solo, Maria Sharapova, Natalie Gulbis, Lolo Jones,.
 
 

Alana can ride my "Board"

 

 

get ya "Mitts" on this!

 

Lolo who? Lolo me!!!!!!!

So Punters what’s your take?

 The Dingo needs a cold shower now.
 
Dingo out!

Thunder Dave, Kiwi claret and the Pink Magilla

ELD 2.0 CHINWAGS ABOUT THE WEEKEND’S ORGANISED HIT’N’GIGGLE.

 

The summer shindig officially became cool and hip on the weekend with the arrival of the proverbial ‘booze, chicks and DJ’ in the form of the Big Bash League.

It was time for older brother Test Cricket to take his hard-featured head to the grandparent’s table up the back and give the floor to his spray-tanned younger brother 20/20 who burst in to the room half-cut and wearing sunnies.

Brendon, you've got something on your face....

And who can say that they weren’t genuinely entertained?

Casting aside the retina-roasting kit colours, the 2 buck marketed team names and lower than expected crowd numbers, the cricket was pretty tasty.

However I may be looking through rosy specs after finally seeing a form of my beloved game commencing with a smoking hot fox tossing the coin in Melbourne on Saturday.

(Please, no jokes about calling ‘head’.)

It feels like everyone is slowly coming to terms with the fact that there’s no problem with liking all versions of the game.

This one's for you, Liz.

Early in the piece, there was an unspoken belief that if you viewed test cricket as the fibre of the game, you were obligated to shun the dastardly youthful revolution of 20 over cricket. It feels now that Australia can comfortably switch from the protracted grind to the value-pack fast food without feeling guilty.

And in true uber-cool contemporary style, there was a few unexpected works that came firmly out of left field.

When I first saw Stuart MacGill stride out in the female-centric colours of the Sydney Sixers, all I noticed was how profoundly grey his thatch had become. Then when he gave up the ghost after 10 metres of chasing a tantalising dribbler on-drive, I earnestly awaited some canned LOLs.

But the old shagger ended up being the catalyst for the slow smothering of the Heat innings with some turn and control from his golden years. The ball was coming out of his fat little plonk-stained fingers beautifully and he finished with 2/21 from 4 overs.

The Bricklayer laid the foundations on Sunday.

And what about the forgotten man from across the Bass?

Ben Hilfenhaus (2/10 from 4 overs) took another step towards staving off a return to bricklaying with a virtuoso performance for the Hurricanes against a heavily stacked Scorchers batting lineup in Perth last night. The big lump was unplayable and picked up the deserved gems of Herschelle Gibbs and Simon Katich in an unexpected defence of a modest 140.

You can put the grout on ice for the time being after that.

And a special participant’s ribbon for the highlights club must go to Brett Lee and Brendon McCullum. Neither shot the lights out numbers-wise, but both deserve mentioning for the gladiatorial scene they created when Lee brained the Kiwi opener in the early exchanges on Friday. It gave the tinfoil underbelly of 20/20 cricket a rigid edge that’s not usually associated with this version of the game.

And what does McCullum have on his breakfast? That blow cost him 5 stitches and a broken schnozz and all he was concerned about was keeping the claret away from his shirt and getting back out in the middle to finish his innings.

He is concrete personified.

Undoubtedly the performance of the weekend goes to David Warner for his unbeaten 102 from 52 balls.

Fat, old and grey. There's hope for us all yet.

Aside from this match-winning knock and his absurdly energetic fielding, what about the fact that someone finally outshone Shane Keith on the big stage? It appeared as though he was hell-bent on continuing the rise of his colours by taking down arguably cricket’s finest ever bowler when they faced-off. It was scintillating sporting eye candy.

I also have to give a special holla out to Brad Haddin (76 from 59), Dave Hussey (52 from 27) and Ben Edmondson (4/40 from 4) who also carried the can admirably with some standout servings in their respective matches.

And if you get the chance, get a glimpse of the Cameron Borgas scoop shot from the bowling of Shaun Tait. You’ll grow some chest-hair just watching it.

Have I missed any other notable events from the opening weekend of our new competition? Did someone produce a rare spell of rotten fruit that deserves a mention? Or was someone adept at choking down their own team’s run rate? If Magilla can take wickets then you can at least post a reply!

Master Splinter and the Teenage Portugese International!

Punters,

The Dingo is pumped! The BB is here and I for one can’t wait.

The topic of discussion around the Water Coolers of this wonderful nation has been all the talk of the Big Bash.

The punters are going nuts and talking up there individual tribes chances….

Old Danny Green on the back of the scorchers, here’s to hoping there being no KO’s for the Scorchers….Mind you I’m sure that Kat would be willing and ready if the Knuckle was to commence.

Kat ready for action!

Word on the street down in Tassie is that Martin Bryant has been telling anyone who will listen to his manic rantings that Hurricanes are specials…..Now it’s ok all, Martin is quietly tucked away in his Cell, the only rampage to occur down in Hobart is the Punters to the souvenirs store for a Rana Mullet!

Down in Adelaide, old Guy Sebastian has been singing to the masses. Spreading the Strikers Gospel! He telling anyone who listens look out for Alfonso, The Enterprise and few Cling ons!

In Melbourne, Bill Lawry been telling everyone that you might as well have a one off Final between the Renegades and the Stars as they are sure things because their victorians, we Love him we want boof get em up…..Now come on settle down there Bill!!!!! I think Bill been breathing in  way too much  Pigeon waste in that mighty horn that is his nose!

Bill & Wendy Jnr Jnr

So what about you Punters?

The Dingo not afraid to show his loyalties towards the Brisbane Heaters! Being a born bred Banana Bender, I’m pumped! Great to See the old fella Haydos winding back the clock. Great seeing Haurie return to his rightful home! And what about the name Heat! Also lead my the master that is Boof Lehmann.

However it may disturb you punters some of  us are not as strong in showing our true colours!

When discussing with the Mr Eldridge 2.0, i ask that fable question….Where are ya loyalties in the Big Bash? And what did he respond, “I’ve always looks good in Pink so I’ll have to jump on Sixers wagon” To which the Dingo responds with you’ve been keen on the Portugese international Moises…..Mr Eldridge was then very quick to bail off the that “rickety bandwagon” and pledge is allegiances to the scorchers, but has a bit of a thing for the Enterprise and likes a good old strike!!!!!!


Now Mr Eldridge, the Dingo has a message for you…….

 ya need to remove the Splinters from ya “Dairy Air”, grow ya self a set of marbles…..And get all Tribal and Passionate about whoever it s ya got!

Come on Punters get involved….Let the Dingo know who ya got? Also do you have a message for Mr Eldridge 2.0

Your Tribe is waiting

Dingo out!

Colours, Bombs & A Few Giggles

Punters,

THE BIG BASH is here…..

No no no not another Robert Lui going 5 rounds with his Mrs after a big Mad Monday…..

This is the real deal….The Aussie Version of the IPL!

When you turn on ya Telly tonight and see all the bright colours about,

No it’s not A Wiggles Open Air concert, or the Teletubbies running around…..

Its the best Australia has to offer throw in a few overseas players for a bit of Hit & giggle cricket….

The Dingo is not completely sold on this concept, yet I’m willing to give it ago…

To get in the spirit you’ll have seen the Dingo has thrown down the Gauntlet to all the sprayers and punters out there in the Foxsports fantasy bash!

You want to kick the Dingo’s arse, get involved…

Anyway here’s the low down a few cut price bargains and also some over priced Spuds…..

Rob Quiney- Melbourne Stars- this fellow has been dominating Ryobi Cup and hits the pill along way. Don’t be fooled by his air fairy name, he won’t be affraid to throw the willow. Dirt cheap at $70K

The Dutch man Tom De Cooper- This bloke is a steal at $75k! This bloke is in red hot form. A Man Who Belts the Curry munchers to all parts of the ground is winner in my mind. Coming off a very handy 180, he’s a must in your team.

Mitchell Marsh- “Mudplain” Marsh as i like to call him…Younger brother of “Son of Swampy” is a young up and comer! Now Mitch hasn’t missed out in the Marsh Gene pool! A very formidably player in the Short Game! Watch out for him with both Stick and rock in hand! Cut priced at $90K

The Marsh Genepool "comes" on Strong

Michael Neser- Who you ask? This Mighty QLD’er will surprise a few people…Coming off a few outstanding innings in the Brisbane Grade Cricket, including 75* off 30 odd balls…this bloke Bombs em! And is also handy with ball in his mit! Very undervalued at $75K.

Luke Wright- Yes a stinking dirty Pom who probably hasn’t had shower since he arrived in the Country…however his performances in the T20 format certainly don’t stink! He’s a consistent performer of both disciplines. Cheap as chips at $70K.

Daniel Smith- Obviously not priced the match his weight! $75K is a deal for this Fat Prick…Just asked the Victorians how he goes! Bombs them long! Look out if the Thunder have him on Pie incentives! It could get hectic!

Jayde Herrick- now this bloke is a fruit loop! Star Tattoos all over his body just smells like a man with confidence and ready to make a household name of himself. Been taking wicket after wicket in our Domestic comp! So look out for him. And you only need $50K  for this fellow! My Bargain of the comp!

Stars & Sweat Bands! DK would be proud!

Now for the overpriced Spuds…

Shaun Tait will cost ya $95K to watch him bowl at 150 clicks and concede 150 runs! Thanks Taity but no thanks!

Brad Haddin- $90k? Are you kidding me? Stevie Wonder has been showing more form with stick in hand….and hardly seeing Hadds being amongst the dismissals. Again Pass!

Steve Smith-$100K. are these blokes having a laugh! Now if were looking at cutting down a tree! Give me Smithy! But this is still cricket and this bloke is a busted arse! Piss off Smithy!

Mark Fatsgrove-$90k! Old Fatso one of my favourite type of cricketers! He’s a fat prick who loves his pies and beers! However doesn’t crack it this type of fast and furious cricket! Leaving the Fats to clear out the Canteen game time warming the pine! Unlucky Fatso!

What ya means there no f^&king pies???

So Sprayers thats it from the Dingo.

Beware you have been Warned!

Dingo out!

Bonkers BBL Bargains

Colonel Sanders has pumped his greasy Kentucky greenbacks into a spritely new 20/20 competition which kicks off this Friday night.

Rana: Showing reverse elvis/swing.

The Big Bash League is Cricket Australia’s attempt at IPL schmaltz, and to be honest, I’m looking forward to something easy on the melon after a downright madcap start to our summer.

Our cantankerous collaborator Dingo has established a fantasy BBL league on the Fox Sports website and he’s calling out all SSD citizens to put their kookaburras firmly on the line and take up the challenge.

Being the bunch of competitive tigers I know you are, I’m adamant that you will be frothing to deny the opposition even a bees dick of an advantage. So to help with the creation of your fictitious army of warriors, I’ve listed a few cheap talents and underrated value picks who will be doing the rounds in Warney’s shadow.

Peter Nevill (Sixers): I’m going to use all of the model adjectives saved for keepers. He’s diminutive, chirpy and dapper, his recent form with the bat has been wrongly unappreciated and he’s not fat like Daniel Smith. He’s a steal at 70k.

Peter Forrest (Heat): This bloke has branched out and grown another leg under the tutelage of Boof Lehmann in the sunshine state. I’ll put this down to the fact that he’s a product of the Sydney grade system. At 70k, he’s cut-price.

Shah: try and forget that he's English.

James Faulkner (Stars): Don’t believe what you hear… there is something credible other than Cascade and cheese coming up from Tasmania. This kid from Launceston has a ripper change of pace and can throw the blade competently in the lower order. Stock is running out the door at a crazy low 75k.

Forrest: hedge your bets.

Rana Naved-ul-Hasan (Hurricanes): The barmy Pakistani quick was anointed ‘The Flying Doormat’ last summer thanks to his high-speed yorkers and hideous oily mullet. I’m backing him to repeat these deeds and retain the ‘Reverse Elvis’ look for the BBL. 100k guarantees you 24 pinpoint irish-swing blockhole balls. Buy now!

Scott Coyte (Thunder): He’s got a couple of choice tatts and he hails from Campbelltown. A sure indicator this guy ain’t going to be flippant about dishing up the brute stuff to the swordsmen. Invest for aggressive market returns at 65k.

Coyte: he's no bum.

Michael Klinger (Strikers): The skipper from the Adelaide franchise has 75 years of concrete domestic experience and he’s a cockroach at the top of the order. Only a nuclear explosion or a Mark Cosgrove fart can dislodge him when he’s on song. The price-gun seems broken with the tag showing 90k.

Owais Shah (Hurricanes): It’s through gritted teeth that I give a shabby Pom a wrap, but this short-form specialist demands respect. He’s been a mainstay of the Mother Country domestic scene forever and is expert in street-smart batting methods. A right pittance at 60k.

Sprinklers! Do you have any other targets that you’ve identified as being corruptly underpriced? Perhaps there’s some overrated turd who is being shopped around as marked-up busted cargo? Unload below!

Let’s get abstract. Pull my tractor.

Current concerns stemming from our recent ‘national sporting faux pas fiesta’ have blinkered me of late.

Cricketing woes, fortunes that flatlined in the rugby world cup, Brown’s expose on the crud standard of our tennis and scorned footy success from places like Manly and Queensland has left me gasping for some sanitary air.

I totally get why it's called 'tractor pull-off'.

I decided to take five and free my mind by scrolling through the rest of the sporting fare on offer from the idiot box, and was given a pleasant chuckle by our old friends at ESPN.

Now we all know the Americans like to beat their chests about being the unquestionable kings of domestic sport, and who can blame them?

They created the model for glittering national sporting competition. The athletes possess enough mind-bending skill to fill 3 youtube databases, their broadcasts are crisp and polished, the stadia is smashingly flash and sparkly and they have stacks upon stacks of kablingey.

Hot dog: entering or leaving this mouth?

We’ve all marvelled at dazzling dunks, tremendous touchdowns, humungous homers and blokes beating the snot out of each other on the ice.

Not to mention wretchedly terrible renditions of their frequently repeated national anthem.

But when I switched on and couldn’t find episodic monster-ball like NFL, I was asked by my flat-screen to compromise with some tractor pulling.

Bloody splendid! Watching Johnny Quarterback rip a scything 50 yard touchdown pass to Fridge Johnson isn’t a patch on the thrill of cheering home Bob Boden as he crosses the finish line in first place in his frickin’ bulky Massey Ferguson.

I was in heavy machinery heaven.

But hold your hay-movers; don’t be mistaken into thinking the pure sporting theatre from Uncle Sam finishes there.

Have you ever wondered how fast a set of plastic cups can be stacked? A cross-eyed blonde kid in Delaware can arrange those bad boys up and down in 32 different formations and then fill one with Tang inside 12 seconds.

This kid will unlock the true power of plastic cups when he starts playing the pokies.

And you can tune in to see this hypnotising performance exclusively on ESPN2.

Boffins of the IOC, take note; it’s not too late for cups at London.

Now some would say that this is an adequate serving of Americana, but the fun continues. Because I know everyone loves hot dogs.

LeBron, Dwight and Dwayne may have left your screens whilst the NBA lockout remained, but the hole was filled with footage from the breakneck world of mystery meat consumption racing. Hot Dog eating contests are big business in the states. They have trophies, sponsors, tactics and carryover champions.

And its all in the name of the express ingestion of wet buns and cooked wiener.

What would you rather? A booming two-hand jam from Kobe Bryant or 30 minutes of Joey Chestnut necking footlong dogs like an entranced piglet?

Whatever you prefer, the unnamed, faceless staff at the offices of ESPN give you the choice. Wherever the hell they are located.

They have redefined and expanded the true meaning of ‘sports.’

Spray Siblings: Do you have any loco sports that you can tell us about? Do you pine for your timbersports or a gladiatorial spelling bee? Perhaps your hard-up for some cheerleading? Or are you one of these cultured european bastards who chases cheese down a hill? 

Look deep in to your apex cup arrangement… and please be honest and frankfurter!

 
*Disclaimer: Bob Boden and Joey Chestnut are real American sporting heroes! Johnny Quarterback and Fridge Johnson are not.

Bababa bastards!

So Punters,

The Dingo never thought he would see the day, our once all mighty cricket team would lose a test match to those Sheep shaggers across the Ditch on our own effing patch!!!!! 25 old years it’s been. The days when Sir Dick was merely plain old Dick Hadlee..

The Sir Dick

It wasn’t enough to have to deal with those from the “land of the long white cloud” shoving their world cup win well and truly into our faces, we now have to deal with the Hobart saga!

What should have been a perfect way for one of our cricketing greats to farewell his home town with a beat down on the easy kill that is usually the kiwis, has turned into one almight f*(king Nightmare! The Dingo was trying to kick his own arse after watching our XI waive the proveribal White Flag!

I would argue this is the lowest ebb for the Australian Cricket Team since when Kim Hughes decided to blow his nose on the camera’s after yet another Aussie surrender way back when! Desperate times called for Desperate measures and Cricketing Bigwigs shook it up by appointing a young wet behind the Ears Allan Border.

 

AB pointing the Finger at some under achievers

 

To me, we are basically back at the same point! The lowest of lows.

If this doesn’t jolt us into action nothing will! Gone are the days that we could slowly send our previous champions off into International Cricket Wilderness one by one. We ‘ve had such a dominance on the sport we’ve pretty much been able to do what we please!!!!

But the winds are change are here, and if we don’t act soon, you will be mentioning our names as the 8th and 9th ranked cricketing nations in the world.

Lets face it we don’t want to be like the West Indies, yes there was a period where they dominated World Cricket and  their Gorilla attack use to scare the absolute pants of many a batsmen requiring jockstrap changes at intervals….

But they are now the laughing stock of world cricket and certainly don’t look like coming out of  it in the next 5-10 years!

So it’s time the “Colonel Sanders” Inverarity found the Secret Herbs and Spices for the future of Australian Cricket….

 

Inverarity searching for the Secret Herbs & Spices

 

And the Dingo can tell you something for nothing…Hughes, Ponting, Hussey & Haddin are not the ones he’s looking for!!!!!!!!!

It’s time for blokes who are in form. Blokes like “Fast” Eddie Cowan,  Peter “Can see the Tree’s from the” Forrest, Dan “one of the brothers” Christian and Matthew “I’m much better than Haddin” Wade who are continually amongst the runs in all forms of state cricket to be fast tracked to the Aussie Team!

Dingo along  with hopefully a few Aussie Cricketers OUT!!!!!!

Damir, we owe you an apology.

 

 

I have the answers!

 

Alright sprayers, you know it and I know it, Australian tennis sucks big ones at the moment, particularly the mens side. We are currently a sloppy turd sitting at the bottom of  the tennis potty and apart from Slamin Sam, Australian tennis is producing players named Diddley and Squat! In other words,  our stocks in the Aussie tennis cupboard are plainer than a Black and Gold rice cake. 

As a first world nation we pour money into our sporting institutions and ink our sporting prowess as part of our national identity. Yet, somehow, the tennis world is dominated by players coming out of small patch on the globe. A piece of dirt which encompasses Russia and the nations which use to make up Yugoslavia. This part of the Earth is churning out players like a pez dispenser.

Looking at the players in both the womans and mens side of world tennis, players from Russia, Serbia, Croatia etc, litter the world rankings, particularly in the women’s game.

Some of these nations have 3rd world conditions and can’t even produce running water let alone a tennis court and possess nowhere near the quality of sporting institutions we have. Hell, some still believe that your first cousin is a potential pick up! 

So aside from accepting incestuous behaviours, what is it that these countries are doing that we’re not?

To help solve this important question for our nation we need to look at some of the tactics employed by the coaches and parents of these racquet weilders which has taken them to the top, and perhaps embrace some of their more unconventional methods.  

So, I will compare our own Australian style to the radical conventions of some former communist nations. As a point of reference I will be consulting “The Damir Dokic Tennis Hand Book – A guide to better coaching” to see how these rivaling countries have become the dominating force they are today.

(*Note – Number 2 of each point is straight from Damir’s book – his accent should be taken into account)

Ensuring Success:

  1. The Aussie method – A pat on the back and a” good try” message from dad.
  2. The Serb method – No win, no food policy. Force young tennis player to earn nightly meal and you can be sure any potential slacker will play to optimal level.

Speed on the court:

  1. The Aussie method – Sprints and beep test.
  2. The Croatian method – Run for life. Place young player in open field and mortar bomb area. They’ll learn to run alright….run for lives.

Serving:

  1. The Aussie method – Countless hours of serving into the square will get results.
  2. The Czech Republic Method – 1000 first serves equals a good night sleep. Every serve missed and youngling will spend 1 extra hour in the Check cold. No blanket, no food.

Stamina:

  1. The Aussie method –  Bike and run for 3kms every day.
  2. The Russian method – Drop and run. Cover tennis junior in fresh meat and animal blood, then drop in Siberian wilderness. A few nights running from polar bear and timber wolf will make strong lung. 

Winning on game day:

  1. The Aussie method – A good breakfast and some encouraging words of support.
  2. The Communist method – Threaten to chop child index finger if lose more than 2 sets. Intimidate and abuse all match officials before and during match. 

Rewarding your tennis champ:

  1. The Aussie method – A treat to celebrate, regardless of the result. Sport is the winner on the day.
  2. The Yugoslav method – If child loses, remind of  bad result consequences and shame bought on family. If child wins, child entitled to lift home from match and child safe for another week. 

With all this bought to light I think we owe Damir an apology. It’s easy to see that Jelena was caught in the middle of being molly coddled by our Western ways and that of her homeland. If only she (and we) had listened to Damir.

"Shame Jelena, Shame!"

Bounteous Bellerive Batting Bog

Why does our batting tumble like ganjed-up dominos at highly inopportune times?

How do they synchronise perfectly to produce collective claptrap in the one innings?

What is inspiring them to unleash these macabre routines at repeated instances?

The stress-free answer to these 3 questions would be ‘because of John from Mumbai.’ But we are all wise enough to know that the choppy waters on this river of poo that we find ourself sailing upon run deeper than that.

Hughes: consistent.

It seems at times that it would be luxurious to blame match-fixing when the castle crumbles at pace.

I think it’s quite natural when your team has been bundled out for under triple-figures 3 times in the last 12 months.

Does anyone have the plums to don the goggles and wetsuit and plunge into the waste for answers? It can’t smell any worse than what was produced by the batsmen on the weekend, with the exception of David Warner.

I have just returned from a 2 week intraweb hiatus, and the last thing I wanted to do was spend my time taking a crap on this weekend’s latest instalment of the ‘Hot and Cold’ show.

But how can one resist?

I’ve tried in vain to fill the gap by daydreaming of alternative sports that could be employed to take the place of this rant, chiefly because we’ve all been liberally flogging the dead horse of late. But every time I try to give the maker’s name to thoughts of Monday, I just end up nicking the notion to Martin Guptill in the slips.

Ponting: walking.

So pass me the 4-ply. I might as well purify myself with a big rancid blog. Here comes 4 days of bad lunches….

It’s the batting collapses. They’re bastards.

But they happen, and all teams are susceptible from time-to-time. Even the most patient fan can excuse the irregular occurence. But I’m afraid that the weekend’s events simply place another trophy in the recently-bulging gallery of Australian batting smear.

I’ve been hearing the usual spread of acquittals.

There’s the steaming floater of dross about the conditions. What did batsmen do before every wicket on the planet was transformed into a benign bowler’s graveyard?

They placed high prices on their wickets, and fought like buggery for their runs.

Clarke: watchful.

The next nugget…. A large foaming serve of excuses from crestfallen batsmen who perished from playing their ‘natural game.’

How about being selective with your choice of shot, and considering the match situation? Swallowing your pride and trying a defensive stroke occasionally?

And finally to close, there’s the old chestnut about ‘net form’.

The fact that you are seeing them like boulders in training doesn’t equate to giving you immortal batting status and unlimited international credits. If owning your opponent in the nets doesn’t transfer to cash in the middle, then latch on to some form another way, or risk getting ‘the flush.’

Allot this advice to whichever player/selector/administrator you see fit.

Let’s just hope we can reduce our usage of 4-ply by the end of the Indian series.

Warming the Pine

Sport for those with comfortable couches.