Six-stitcher Saturday

January 28th 2012. The day the six-stitcher flared the nostrils and dished out some considerable backhanders.

Across 3 different countries, we saw the men with the ball rise up and take the batsmen by the scruff.

Seeing the axemen demolished like damp rice paper brought a tear of pride to this former seamer from the rough nursery known as Bathurst’s ‘thirsty fourths.’

We all know the goss from the 4th test here at home.

The stitcher flying the flag in Adelaide.

Our lads freewheeled to another victory in Adelaide on the back of further blue-collar performances from our quicks and a timely bag of scalps from offie Nathan Lyon. It was a perfect ending to an almost unblemished test summer where 98% of the cogs turned beautifully in sync.

India ushered the dying stages of this series out the side door like a frightened PM with the last 4 wickets kicking the bucket within 58 minutes.

But the more amazing occurrences unfolded in Napier and Abu Dhabi, as New Zealand and Pakistan swept to amazing victories that included some horror-show collapses from their opponents.

Across the Tasman, Zimbabwe produced what can only be described as fine stand-up comedy, and the Black Caps were only to happy to provide the canned laughter.

Bowling porn.

The gags and wisecracks surged relentlessly as they were bowled out twice inside the day for 51 and 143 to slump to a humiliating innings loss which concluded in the shadows of day 3.

What places this production firmly into the chronicles of slapstick gold is the fact that the large majority of day 2 was smashed by rain.

In light of these good time jesters, I’m not entirely convinced though that upper management were pissing their cash-filled trousers over at the ICC saltmines.

All the while in Abu Dhabi, the rebirth of Pakistan rolled on with another rousing display against a disorderly English side who seem to be devoted to returning to more familiar pastures down the world pecking order.

Chasing a feathery target for the win of 144, the Poms rotted under the desert sun in 36.1 overs for a meagre 72, putting another paver in Pakistan’s pathway to cricketing redemption.

This included a turbo-collapse of their last 10 wickets in 22 overs that ultimately powered them to an unassailable 2-0 series deficit.

And that brought the curtain down on a deliciously satisfying sequence of events for all of the brothers of the bowling union this weekend.

And why shouldn’t we, the tireless battering rams of the XI, whoop it up when the moons align like Saturday?

This man knows how to butcher an average.

It’s been happening for eons; the spoiled chaps with blade in hand getting everything plattered up to them, such as morgue tracks, charity on all types of sundry laws and boundary distances that you can wizz over from the square.

You’ve got to sponge it up. Because there’s always someone somewhere who is rolling the bejesus out of strip of concrete on a postage stamp. 

Long live the resurgence of the seed.

Support from the Colonel is a sure recipie for the back door

What are you doing next summer boys?

Alright wafflers I’m sure you have been enjoying a giggle or two when ever the cricket takes a break and cuts to a KFC commercial. You know the ones I’m talking about, starring some of Aussie cricket’s most recent discards; Smith, White, D. Hussey and Johnson. You’d have to agree with me, to think that all 4 would be on the outer by mid summer with Johnson and White in particular having as much prospect of returning as a follow-up phone call after a one night stand is something that not even Nostradamus could have predicted.

 And you’d have to feel hard done by if you were on the Colonel’s side of the desk, choosing 4 players seemingly entrenched in at least one of the national sides, in particular the T20 side, would seem a sure bet, right? But maybe KFC’s new sandwich was concocted under a ladder and a black cat was one of the 11 secret herbs and spices, that may go someway to explaining how much bad luck these 4 boys have had since making the commercial. However, one sponsor’s misfortune could be another’s gain. This may be a opprtunity for  a more appropriate sponsor to seize upon the current situation presented by the boys’ hard luck and use this not so fab four for one of its commercials, the Reject Shop or The  Seconds Factory Outlet do come to mind.

And while we are on sponsors lacking foresight, which egg head from Vodafone chose Doug the Rugg for their Ad? Using Johnson I can understand, he was entrenched, but the Rugg? He had definitely played his final test last year. Ruggie’s manager really pulled the wool over Vodafone’s eyes with that swifty, the wally was probably hoping for a viewers verdict moment in the hope of bringing the Rugg back!

Watch out Hads, your next on the Colonel's list

Though, looking to next summer, you’d have to be nuts if you were a prospective sponsor considering  to slot Haddin into one of your Ads, and you definitely wouldn’t be chasing Phil Hughes for a front line spot on the box either. Then again, on current form,  Haddin, should run a thousand miles in the opposite direction if KFC come a’ knocking looking for a safe set of hands to promote whatever new grease box they bring out, just look at what happened to the last lot who promoted something new.

 

Bring back the Vodaphone MOM App

Punters your armchair critic is having a coronary on the floor of the loungeroom!! Yes dribblers I have been that moved that I actually got out of my bloody armchair!!!!

I want to know which F***wit (s) pick the Man of the match? Now P Siddle bowled well & in normal circumstances would of deserved his award but HELLO! there were two guys who hit double centuries not just plain old hundreds but F***king doubles & poor old punter then backed it up with a unbeaten 60 in the second dig & all he gets is a close second !!!!!! F**K me drunk & I thought the vodaphone Man of the match app was F****d but then again if it was still in place James Pattison would of been a moral!

Have I killed off too many brain cells sinking the amber fluid?

Or should the knob(s) who picked this award be sacked?

Andy is still running 4th

ENJOY ELD’S REPORTS FROM HIS 2 WEEK MEMBERSHIP TO THE TENNIS COGNOSCENTI AS THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN REACHES IT’S SMASHING CLIMAX!

Warning: this is an uneducated rant from a once-yearly tennis expert who is seduced by the business end of his home major.

There’s no doubt about it. Andy Murray is very good at playing tennis.

His off-court parlance would seem to indicate he is sending himself to sleep, but nonetheless, he is a ripping talent on the court.

But how did he gain entry to the ‘Big 4?’

Another participants ribbon for Andy.

We witnessed another big gleaming trophy and novelty-sized cheque fall by the wayside for Britain’s number 1 hope last night at Melbourne. He ran wretchedly close to trampling Novak, but in the end he couldn’t take advantage of the Serb’s mid-game lethargy and loaded snout of phlegm and eventually perished in 5.

Every Grand Slam I ponder; is this the year that I will no longer be able to laugh at the expense of British tennis and their 76 years of famine at Open level?

But every time, he accelerates to the pointy end before coming up short against class.

Watching Tim Henman conk out in major semi-finals was cruel, but as an Australian, watching Murray build up the expectations of his motherland and repeatedly drop them on their arse is schadenfreude in it’s purest form.

Success by his standards at the majors remain as sparse as his unkempt facial hair.

Outside of the 4 big tournaments, when people like me aren’t paying much attention, Murray produces results that places him high in the rarified air of tennis royalty.

3 Slam finals and 4 semi finals, 22 career titles and a shitload of deed fees indicate that he traded some personality for talent. He can definitely engage the string instrument much better than 99.98% of blokes on this planet.

Another Open, another wasted singlet.

But shouldn’t he have to conquer at least 1 of the coveted Open titles before he can be spoken of in the same breath as the other 3 in the group?

Monarch status and imagined groupings based on a class system should currently only include tennis superhumans Roger, Rafa and The Djoker.

Andy is subordinate to these 3 beasts of the game.

Until he rolls one of these guys on his way to the champers in something significant, he will remain detached from business class, isolated in his own group as the 4th best player in the world.

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While I’m on a roll with tennis, I’ve got to give a shout-out which may ruffle some feathers.

What kind of shithead suppresants did Channel Seven feed Lleyton Hewitt before they let him in front of their microphones?

His commentary has had me reaching for the TV guide to confirm who I am listening to.

He is bringing some super insights to the telecast and delivering them with a dignified and respectable approach, one which seems to abandon him when he has a racquet in his hand.

Good on ya Lleyton; you may win some fans in the skeptical Australian public yet.

Getting old and having kids, or the temptation of a fat contract from Seven, has transformed you into an articulate spokesman for the game in Australia.

I look forward to listening to you and that ginger ninja from America dissect the final on Sunday night.

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I’m hearing a lot of bellyaching from the tennis public about the prospect of tonight’s final between Sharapova and Azarenka being nothing more than a squawking foghorn-fest of the highest order.

But I can tell you one thing; none of the whining seems to be coming from the dudes.

Take that as you will.

 

Gambling on George

George Bailey seems like a bloody good bloke. Which makes potting him on Australia Day quite difficult.

The Tassie boss was plucked from relative obscurity and wedged into Australia’s T20 captaincy role this week amid much head-scratching and void thought bubbles from our fanbase.

John delivers the news whilst George appears constipated.

The easy part of the equation was putting Cameron White out to pasture after he forced the selectors hands with a ginger BBL campaign filled to the brim with hesitant hooey and hogwash.

But I highly doubt anyone would’ve predicted Bailey would be the man to lead us forward into this year’s 20 over calendar.

Cricket Australia has long seen George as a teacher’s pet in the captaincy dojo.

He was handed the reins at Tasmania in 2009/10 after years of habitual run-collecting in the state ranks. He teed off with a fairytale by leading the Tigers to a memorable 50 over title in his first year at the helm.

We should’ve known his papers were confirmed for ‘rapid elevation at first opportunity’ when he was named captain of the star-studded Australia A side that took on New Zealand at the start of this summer.

His experience in 20 over cricket overall is broad; he’s been on the payroll at the Chennai Super Kings as well as an obvious mainstay in the Tigers structure.

Basically, he would’ve been a bloody popular selection if he was spewing runs everywhere.

But no player is excused from the power-hose of statistical scrutiny, and in this case, George is a captain who is going to be calling the shots whilst saturated.

George churned out 114 runs at an average of 19.00 in the inaugural BBL and has only scored one T20 half-century in the last 3 seasons. Glue this with the fact that he is yet to pull on the green and gold, and you can safely mark this decision with the big red stamp of ‘gamble.’

So I can hear the wails… ‘Eld you tipsy unpatriotic tosser, who should be the man?’

WTF?

Personally, I would’ve given the role to David Hussey.

This bloke is arguably Australia’s most well-honed T20 cricketer who possesses experience in a myriad of measures and conditions. His batting is the most eye-catching of his talents; he has violently chowed-down on T20 bowling at various levels for years now.

With David Warner’s plate at the risk of becoming oversized and Shane Watson returning to the old days of being permanently rooted to a massage table, I believe it leaves the lesser Hussey as the obvious choice.

The final selling point is that he’s the only bloke in the team left on the KFC adverts.

I implore all Sprayers to have their say on our national day! Is it unfair that I’ve questioned our new leader at this sacred point in time on our calendar? Or does he deserve the standard Australian cricket fan approach of ‘guilty until proven innocent?’ Put down your zinger burger and have a crack ya mugs!

 

Danny’s Test Wrap

Dear Fellow Sprayers,

Its Uncle Danny here once again, I’m typing to prove to you that I haven’t fallen off the end of the earth, as it has been a while since my last posting. I’ve just come back from the Subcontient of India and boy I have never been so proud to be an Asian looking Aussie over there. I mention the word ” cricket” and they all look at me as if I am an “Al Qaeda Terrorist”. This is my spray of the current cricket test between Australia and India, so sit back, get a VB, stratch yourself and eat a pie and enjoy my long awaited spray.

Aussie blast the curry out of India!!!!

So I watched the 4th test from hot Adelaide today and I was battling the sideaffects of travellers gastro from my trip and “Jesus Christ” I could have done better than those curry munchies with gastro. Heck, an Under 9’s Chinese water polo team could have done better, likewise an Antartica 15 rugby team could have helped the Indian Cricket team. For God’s sake India, your 2nd strike bowler went for 12 off his 1st over, A horny, blind goat could have conceded less runs!!!! India were terrible in everything they did; fielding, bowling, captain bawled Sewang tactics were worst than my Grandma’s dementia. (she could have done a better job if only she knew where she was!!). The only positive thing they did all day was batting and they didn’t even bat!!!! It was if they left their heart and soul back at Delhi airport.

India took the honours in the first session having Australia 3/84 taking the scalps of blaster master Warner, Steady Eddy Cowan and out of form can’t drink like his Dad Marsh. He really needs to be dropped like a bag of Indian rice on his head on concrete or go back to Milo cricket club for under 7 boys!!!!

But from then on India as may as well walked off and let Pup and Punter do a 2 to 3 hour batting net session while the Indians go home have a good feed of rice and Dalh or Naann bread and well maybe a beef curry even though cows are sacared over there. then they mighty be able to play some decent competitive cricket, the sport they call a religion over there. At times the Indian field looked like a 20/20 match protecting the boundaries but they may as well as been in the grandstand sipping on Chai tea wearing their doudies (man dresses like I brought one).

Hope you all enjoy this spray, shit Ive got diarrhaea again and shit myself for the 60th time today, so Im off to the dunny and shower and clean myself up. As I hope the Indians can do the same tommorrow otherwise I’ll be watching porn on my laptop from the toilet.

Regards Danny Chairman of the Indian Cricket Board.

P.S please don’t let the papers get a hold of this otherwise Im a dead Indian who has eaten his last curry for life!!!!!

The Wrap 24/1/11

  • Slamin Sam exits the Aussie open in the first round – Sam, Sam, Sam. What’s doing? The hope of a nation seemed to be too much weight for the Queenslander, but nothing compared with the weight of disappointment she and we are now feeling. The loss cost many a punter his pocket-money and probably an Australian of the year nom for Stosur. The bounce back will be  tough, but after such disappointment this loss could be such a whack up the arse that Stosi may perform pretty well in the coming grand slams.
  • Jerk-a-vich slams Hewitt out of the open – What more can I say? Hewitt tried, but he was never going to win, the Tab even installed him at $17 as proof of their confidence in the little Aussie. Punters, I think Hewitt’s time is well over. It’s time for him to retire and enjoy what his missus has to offer. As for Jerk-a-vich, I’m not a huge fan. And his family piss me off as well, remember those goobers in his box during his first grand slam win some years ago? Wankers! By the way have you seen Jerk’s hair? Christ, you’d need a whipper sniper to get through that shit.
  • Sharapova screeches into the quarters – I don’t mind looking at her, but Sharapova is damn hard to watch as she yells her way through every point. A bit of shoosh wouldn’t go astray.
  • The ghost of Hildich lives on – The Aussie selectors have plonked on the front foot and battered Cameron White back to the pavilion and out of the national T20 side. But, in the same innings the wallys chopped on with their next ball and then tripped over their own shoe laces when leaving the pitch as they installed George Baily as captain and old dog Hogg in the squad. What’s doing there? Hogg retired and Baily has a modest first class record to say the least. Did Invers ask Hildich for advice? Give me a break, please! 
  • The Jets are well on top in their two-day match against the Rail – Once again I’ll save you all the boring stuff, but the Jets managed a season best batting display on the back the season’s worst thanks mainly to David Reid’s cracking 103* and a 53 from yours truly – yes, that’s right folks, I got runs! Against a solid bowling outfit, the Jets were 3 for 67 at tea off 40 overs. After tea Reid tore apart the attack, and with Brown put on close to 80 in 10 overs. The innings finally coming to a close with 238 in the bank and the Rail very sunburnt.
  • Pitch – Quality!
  • Tea – great fruit, a 7/10
  • Cordial – Orange? 15 years of green tradition thrown out the door; the metrosexualization of cricket continues. 
  • The wrap’s moment of the week – Scott Brown’s best Ed Cowen impression scoring 20 runs in 40 overs. 

India: Rogan Tosh

 

That's it boys, laugh it up.

Punters, wafflers and shit dribblers.

I’m not happy gents, not happy at all!

The supposed second best test team in the world came to our shores with their best hope of winning in oz, or at the very least provide a real tussle for test cricket glory. But nnnooooo! The turban wipers have arrived and put on their customary feeble displays with both the leather and the willow.

It’s so typical of these bastards to have performed the way they have so far, they have shown no dedication to task, no signs of improvement on Australian pitches, no team cohesion and no spine!

 But then again, should we expect anything more or even be surprised at the quality of vindaloo which has been put on the pitch?

I say not.

Tell me dribblers, when was the last time you heard the terms hard working, quality administration or cohesion mentioned in the same breath as a sub-continental nation. That’s right, probably NEVER! I mean, if you’re looking for quality, strict administration to help build or guide a sporting code the land of the taj mahal is the last place you would go right? The commonwealth games showed everyone that. So the fact that this Indian side rocked up ill prepared, and from all reports, have been atrociously lazy at training should be as surprising as a seeing a floating turd in the Gangies.

 For these overpaid wankers, training is a netty followed by a walk to the butter chicken stand; and judging by VVS’s bulging waist line some have been really putting in.

The pathetic evidence of grit displayed in the tests, inspired by a centerlink recipient’s work ethic reeks of arrogance buttered in a deep green back sauce.

If these blokes wanted any credibility they would have been here early getting used to conditions, planned well and put the riches of the IPL in the back of the turban. Instead, what we have seen is an administration and a nation preoccupied with the shorter forms of the game and who are happy to see test cricket being splattered all over the porcelain. Bastards!

Praying the Saeed is planted for an Old Dart Ashes demise

A little added dash of bourbon was last night blended with the already refreshing cocktail that has been this summer of cricket.

Our smelly foes from England were toppled with virtual ease by Pakistan in the first test of their 3 match series in Dubai.

I’ve never been so jubilant for a Pakistan victory in my whole life. I danced in the street and discharged my firearm into the air like a barmy peanut when the paltry target of 15 was hauled in.

Cook leaving the arena. To an Australian, that means it must be lunch.

They rode roughshod over Andrew Strauss’s men inside 3 days and to the tune of 10 wickets.

Sound familiar?

That’s the kind of discourteous timeframe and margin for victory that England repeatedly employed to overcome Australia’s miserable efforts roughly 12 months ago.

So is this just a temporary pipe dream? Can modest Pakistan maintain the rage for at least 1 more test match to wrap up the trophy?

I’ve got my fingers rigidly crossed to the point where the circulation has been cut in my index fingers.

It started oddly in Dubai thanks to some wonky analysis from the men apparently ‘in the know.’

The pundits initially described the track as favourable for the batsmen, yet England had no answer to the crafty off-breaks of Saeed Ajmal who transformed the surface from driveway to quicksand.

Then the Pakistani batsman waltzed out and rolled that bad boy back to a dull and horizontal state, and subsequently built a match-winning lead.

Umar Gul, Abdul Rehman and Ajmal finished off the deal as England limply surrendered to set a skint total for sweet victory of just 15.

Ajmal finished with outstanding match figures of 10/97. He had the English bats clueless from go to whoa.

Ajmal on his way to a big tenner.

So even though the Ashes are still a while away, I implore you to join me in praying that this is the beginning of the end for England’s rebirth as a test cricketing bully.

A lovely little 18 month softening period that has now commenced at the hands of the humble Pakistan test team would be delightful.

I’m dreaming of a capitulation mirroring the aftermath of the 2003 Rugby World Cup where England couldn’t even preserve a plateau.

But judging by my track record on these things, chuck your rent on an England 2-1 prison escape.

 

Wake up Matt. Take the Fat cash.

Let it be know that Matty Johns has leaked the lizard on his former employer and workmate from a bloody great height.

This week he’s given the full flush to ‘The Footy Show’ and more notably his former comic colleague Paul ‘Fatman’ Vautin.

I was under the impression this pair were inseparable clowns, albeit their recent lack of collaborative work on a textbook arse or titty joke since Johns left Channel Nine.

Remember when Vautin propped him up when he found himself in the midst of a substantial sex scandal poo-storm?

It was a brother helping a brother out of a bungled bun from days of yore. Something that brought the two boofheads closer together.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t seem that this earned enough buddy credit points for Johns to see past Vautin’s antiquated humour and take the plunge by rejoining the Thursday night round table of obnoxious ranga head-wobbling and recycled innuendo.

Matt Johns holding a trophy of Paul Vautin who is holding a Logie.

The recent right-hand man of Johns, the fat-pocketed amber baron John Singleton, took a sledgehammer approach when informing the public of the intricate industry-specifics of why Fatty was given the ‘don’t argue.’

“There’s no more over-rated footballer in the history of football than Fatty Vautin and no more over-rated coach”

“He was an average footballer, he’s an average TV talent, but he has been lucky and good luck to him.”

Everyone clear on that?

The good oil is that the cabbage was being wildly flung by Channel Nine also, with a loose figure of $400k a year being bandied around as the bait to the former playmaker to come back and wear a dress on a weekly basis in the name of footy larrikinism.

Johns has built himself a recent reputation that seems to be slowly drifting away from the early 1990’s prototype of television’s retired footballer, where a man could string together a few segments of analysis before getting starkers and then picking up his cheque.

The drivers behind him refusing the small island that Nine are offering up seem to be his desire to steer the program away from fart gags and towards genuine footy chat as well as Fatty’s refusal to depart 1986.

But who thinks that any program about rugby league that hits the airwaves post-dusk will ever contain anything other than primate humour, boy’s club sexism and a maximum of 3 minutes of content that actually refers to footy?

Don’t try to reinvent the wheel Matty. Blow up some balloons, put them down your shirt as fake boobies, apply the mascara and take the cash.

Taking advantage of the malaise

ELD 2.0 TRIES TO FIND THE BALANCE BETWEEN AUSTRALIAN ASCENDANCY AND INDIAN INEPTITUDE.
OH YEAH…. AND IT’S AMIDST THE ECSTASY OF AUSSIE SERIES VICTORY…. OF COURSE!

 

It’s a real shame that Australia went through India like a laxative yesterday.

Yes, I concede that I am being fussy and also dramatic by comparing their collapse with a colonic stimulant, but I can’t turn this respectable blog into a continuous Baggy Green backslap.

Where's the beers?

Although I would adore the honour of providing such a service.

Yesterday’s glorious third test shellacking now formally turns the spotlight away from Australia’s uplifting resurgence and on to India’s murky puzzle with it’s pensioners and god-awful travel bug.

7 consecutive test match losses on the road and retirement speculation for some of the crusty brigade has a small part of me empathising with India. It was only a handful of weeks ago that our boys were chomping on their morning bran to similar headlines each day.

Once again, our bowling attack was tireless and effective and David Warner’s knock was the stuff of fantasy. But India greased the wheels by capitulating meekly and this can be no better symbolised than the way Zaheer Khan toileted his wicket in the first innings.

I am aware this bloke is in the team to bowl; but as a senior team member with a supposed fighter’s reputation, he shouldn’t be doing things like protecting his body by retreating and haymaking when your team is on the brink of another poor total.

As a captain, wouldn’t you be asking that he respects the game situation and digs in the heels in the hope of another 20-30 precious runs?

Instead, he couldn’t get back to the sheds quick enough. Which seems odd, because it would be like a hushed ice-box right about now.

Nice work boys, another couple of days off for go-karting.

Team tinkering is always in the wind when you’ve been rock’n’rolled by an innings in your last 2 test matches. And there will be at least one cruelly-forced change now that MS Dhoni has been made an example of in the fight against slow over rates.

I think many of his colleagues would be tremendously jealous of MSD now that he can cool his spikes away from the dancefloor for Adelaide.

In other speculated changes, VVS Laxman is the latest grey to be flirting with the dole queue and although recently returning to some of his warrior ways, Rahul Dravid’s name may also be seen in similar circles if the selectors want to get radical and funky. After once more exposing wood like a drunken footballer, such attention towards Dravid from the superiors is only natural.

Adelaide can’t arrive and then rack off quick enough for India right now.

Conversely, the sun continues to shine brightly on Australia. We would be delighted for this series to continue on forever as the longer she stretches, the more problems it seems to be solving.

You would’ve been fast-tracked on to hard meds if you told anyone at the start of the summer that Australia would be on the right side of a dead rubber at the end of the series. But that’s where we find ourselves, and now Adelaide will have a carnival feel for the traditional Australia Day contest.

Where's the chicks?

Mainly thanks to Warner leading us on a thrilling trip down a Gilchrist-inspired memory lane, and the quicks yet again uniting to take advantage of the Indian malaise with metronomical line and length, we’re not going to have anything to talk about except tennis until the fourth test commences.  

Everything is going along so well, it seems nicely poised for a grubby booze-powered nightclub scandal or tabloid-feeding sex romp, even without Warney anywhere near the playing group.

So in the event of everyone keeping their pants on and their liquids down, here’s a couple of brain-teasers to see you through to the City of Churches….

Can we get Ryan Harris a prosthetic knee?

Is it possible to slap a yapping ban on Brad Haddin until he starts harvesting again?

Can Adelaide be turned to Kandy for Shaun Marsh?

Has science progressed to the point where we can clone Hilfy?

Something to ponder.

Where are we at?

Fellow punters, bloggers & warblers of all kind the question is where are we at?

By we I mean the Aussie cricket team, are we surging back up to the great heights of the Warne, Mcgrath era? Or are we just getting a bit ahead of ourselves? With all the backslapping of another Aussie humilation of the once great curry munching team your armchair critic is not convinced all is as it seems.

On the positive we have smashed the turban munkees in each test becoming more dominant as the series goes on, doing this with a injury toll longer than the queue at the doctors on a Monday morning! We seem to have a good balance of youth & experience & will have a abundance of talent to pick from when everyone is fit & healthy.

Our bowlers have been as consisent as I can ever remember sticking to the game plan & bowling to their fields & the wickets are coming as a result. If you include Watto we have nine test bowlers but inly 4-5 spots, nice position to be in. We have also unearthed Dave Warner as the next Superstar of the game, the T20 slogger who struggled to get a game for NSW is now firmly entreched as the first batsman picked. We also look sharp in the field & except for a few chances outside the keeper we have fielded well all summer.

Now for the negative’s, we couldn’t beat New Zealand in a home test series!!!!!!!!

The curry boys are also struggling big time, after a drubbing by the poms & a shellacking here the ageing tandoori boys are easybeats & would struggle to beat Kenya or Zimbabwe. How do we measure ourselves against this team, there is no way they are playing like the second best (formerly top rated) cricket side in the world today at the five day game.

Our batsman have not put it together as a unit all summer, even in Sydney whe we got 600 odd we were struggling until punter & pup put on over 250 before pup & The Huss put on another 350 unbroken. In Perth Warner & Cowan scored the runs & then we folded like a pack of cards. Tell me you didn’t kmow that was going to happen! It was as predictable as a Sam Kekovich lamb roast ad blitz prior to Aussie day. We have improved with the bat since our two capitulations to Souf AFRIICA & the ENzedders but we are by no means world beaters. Then we have Brad Haddin, now I like Brad but at the moment HE is the scott Muller f the team, can’t Bat, Can’t catch…Pull your finger out buddy cause there are a few boys breathing down your neck.

So in summary We shouldn’t be getting carried away just yet but we will certainly be competitve as long as our bowlers continue to be disciplined & bowl as they have done all summer.

Since Clarke has taken over we have not lost a test series & have only lost 2 tests bur our batting has been very brittle at times.But as always GO YOU LITTLE AUSSIE CHAMPIONS!

You know i’m right…..Peace Out

Dropbear sighted

Please donate to the Cameron White Runs Fund. This poor kid is needy, destitute and in danger of being out on the street without a team.

Any tailender who racks up more than 10 runs from this point on is obligated to persuade the scorer to have their tally bestowed upon ‘Bear.’

In willow currency terms, he’s currently bankrupt and in dire requirement of a bailout package.

Bear, give yourself the best chance of selection by not bowling.

With Australia playing a 2 match Twenty20 series against India in February and the ICC World Championship in Sri Lanka later this year, our captain needs a bulk influx of mintage post haste.

Even though he’s our leader, is it feasible that he should even be considered with his recent grim numbers?

13 runs in 6 matches in the current Big Bash League is not the foundation one desires for hitting the global stage as captain of your nation.

‘Bear’ was elevated to T20 chief status in March 2011. At the time, his returns in the game’s shorter forms had tailed off considerably after huge output in 2009 and 2010 saw his stocks rise to ODI vice-captaincy and general ‘big nuts’ status in Australian cricket.

Recently, his numbers have further festered and he’s even found himself on the outer of the 50 over scene.

Despite this, his standout record as skipper of Victoria coupled with Australia’s low priority hit’n’giggle approach to T20 meant that he was given the gig in good faith.

The BBL was meant to be the platform where he burst back to batting healthiness and restored the nation’s faith in his fat-bat ways. Unfortunately, it’s gone badly south, and now he’s in the gun.

There’s even a bookmaker who has framed a market on White’s future: $2.65 to beat the drop, $1.45 gonzo. More bad numbers.

As captain, he gets a vote at the selection meeting. There’s another potential bloodbath score in the making.

So is the rare White Australian Polar Bear going to survive the upcoming eradication? Natural selection indicates that he may be left behind.

The Wrap 7/1/12

Hello fellow punters and dribblers. I know it’s been a couple of weeks since my last spray, but I’ve been catching up on some coastal rays and working off the Xmas ham. Anywho, I’m back and I’m keen lash the sporting world once again, starting with my take on the recent Sydney test.

With the dust now settled on the SCG test and Captain courage’s triple treat now well digested by the viewing public, it’s time to run the roller over what was a marvelous win by a resurgent Aussie unit.

  • Clarke goes from pup to dog – Firstly, kudos must go to M.Clarke, the skipper really showed some character and talent in scoring his triple century, earning his stripes as leader, repect for his tatoos and gleefully shoving humble pie down a few knockers throats to boot; 329 slices in fact.
  • The old boys still got it – Punter and Huss showed the top order how to bat and managed to save their careers in the process. They were timely knocks from both the old dogs, particularly Pontings. I, for one, am glad to see both men do well and look forward to the runs continuing. Personally, I wouldn’t get rid of either of them, they both still produce in the field and have shown they can still wield the willow; they will know it’s time to give it away.
  • How good is James Pattinson? – I’ll tell you how good he is, according to Skull O’keef, Pattinson, is a bowler somewhere between Macgrath and Gillespie. I’ll take that thankyou! 24 wickets in 4 games is a ripping stat, to me, Pattinson has spearhead carved all over his melon, the man to lead our attack for the next decade.
  • I know Mad Mick and others, inculding myself have slammed the slectors for some of their half baked desicions, but a few beers must be slid Invers and Co’s way for having the plumbs to reinstate last year’s top ashes pie slinger, Ben Hilfenhaus. The House has been tremenndous sice returning to the Baggy Green, bowling with good pace and swing. The Hilf has even managed to keep the Rinho out of a gernsy; you’d have to be bowling well to do that.
  • The little master keeps on going – The little master hasn’t scored that elusive 100th international century, but India’s maestro hasn’t been short of a run, and the Sydney test was no exception. Without scoring a century, Sachin has still managed to average 56, I’m sure the big one is around the corner.
  • The Jets beat Jamberoo – I’ll save you all the boring stuff, but chocolates this week go to our opening bowler T.Mac. The Mac took 4 wickets and at one point was on a hatrick. Mac showed how it was done by putting the ball straight onto the batsman’s slippers and then knocking over the furniture, on ya big fella. 
  • Pitch – good
  • Cordial – up there
  • Lunch – I missed out, SO NOT ENOUGH!

Brad’s verbal runs

Brad Haddin has made himself a magnet for the crosshairs with a few peppery statements on the wireless yesterday.

He has labelled India as ‘fragile’ and also said they ‘break quicker than anyone in the world.’

Concealed within a healthy series lead, these kinds of verbal barbs are usually employed as a luxury. When you are schooling a team on the park, it’s only natural to also try to slide them into the psychological oven of torment.

Haddin: needs a plug.

In saying this, I can’t help but think there’s at least 9 other blokes in the squad who I would’ve rather question India’s condition at this point in time. I’m not sure Haddin has earned the chance to declare these kinds of coarse statements after a forgettable series to date, whether or not they be true.

But we all know that Brad has always been an abrasive character- most wicketkeepers are- so I’m genuinely not shocked to hear him broadcasting a few of the more unflattering views on India from the inner sanctum.

What I do take umbrage with though is spewing out the details of our blueprint for keeping Sachin on the quiet.

“What we have found is if we can build enough pressure on him he wants to score and he wants to feel bat on ball and he wants to get into a rhythm,” Haddin said. ”We find if we can push him a little wider, make him feel for the ball a bit we can build enough pressure to get a chance and it’s worked in the last two Tests.”

So dropping dollies and frittering away your wicket isn’t enough of a contribution so far for Haddin?

Why not just give Sachin some headphones with a direct feed from a microphone on Pup?

Tendulkar has easily been India’s brightest light in this series, carrying the burden of the search for his 100th international century in his stride to still pump out his customary quality. He averages 56.5 so far this summer.  

And we don’t need to be reminded that he has habitually toyed with Australian bowling in the past. Does our strategy towards him need to be exposed so carelessly?

This is one time when I would’ve much preferred a bland media-trained reply to a question.

Or for Brad to be somewhere other than yapping on the radio, preferably the nets.

Aussie Admin Nonsense

Punters & fellow warblers your armchair critic is f…..n spewin at the perplexing comments from our chairman of selectors at the end of the Sydney test match. Now as you are aware from previous posts I was not a fan of our previous chairman of selectors & “Invers” is heading down the same path.

Our chairman said & I Quote ” Pattison was going to be rested anyway for Perth if he hadn’t been injured” end Quote

WTF!

When did we start a rotational system for Tests?

Since when has it not been policy to field our best XI in Tests?

WTF is happening in the administration area of Australian cricket?

Memo to Invers please reply asap cause I want f…ing answers……

You know i’m right, peace out!

Rebounding grey division goes for a walk with the Pup

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. ELDORADO 2.0 LOVES 2-0! GET YOUR SECOND TEST RUNDOWN THROUGH GREEN AND GOLD LENSES.

 

Someone tip a cold bucket of fluid on my scone. I’m excited!

When's Huss gonna get a zinc deal?

I need a reminder that I’m not telling some drunken tale of fake inflated success.

I don’t know about you, but I would’ve kneed someone in the wheels for being an unequivocal fibber if they sold me a yarn about Australia being 2-0 up at the end of the Sydney test. I don’t enjoy such black humour.

The series thus far has been blessed cricketing medicinal adrenaline for Aussie cricket enthusiasts. Pure as driven snow.

Bar a few standard batting collapses and some pesky partnerships whilst in the field, it’s been nothing but smooth sailing through Indian waters that we assumed would have the vessel capsized by this point in time.

Our grey division are returning to blinding form, the recycled bowlers are firmly back on the bike and the youngsters are showing nil respect for established superstars. 

I’m even going to give the batting unit some respite this time around.

Yeah yeah.

Where do we start?

The 100th test at the SCG was chockers with freakish features. Let’s recount the number of performances that will permanently live in the shadow of Pup’s behemoth accumulation.

Look out. Sids is coming in for a cuddle.

Punter getting his whites filthy on the way to a drought-breaking hundred. What is it about being on 99* that makes a man do crazy shit?

The Huss politely pooping on the Indian attack with a bulky blue-ribbon knock that was laced with manners and blazing strokeplay.

Our pace attack interlocking in unison to create a non-negotiable beast comparable to Voltron that mercilessly ground the Indian bats into the eerily-solid SCG track. Even when Sachin, VVS and company valiantly dug the heels in, the seam battery stuck to their guns and patiently waited for their chances.

This test, it was Hilfy who was the reluctant hero shunted to the front to collect the plaudits with a well deserved 5-pack.

And what about Pup? Is hitting an unbeaten 329 as captain on his home track in a super-sized series and propelling us to victory enough for people to begin to believe that he actually cares more about the Baggy Green than himself?

Pup will Boldy bring himself on when a wicket is required.

In addition, he knocked over Sachin with a juicy pie. If the Vodafone man of the match app was still alive to see this test, it would’ve erupted.

So the end result; we sunk ’em inside 4 days and by an innings. All the while carrying Brad Haddin and Shaun Marsh.

OK…. I know what you are thinking. And you are right. This is no time to begin applying the heat-gun. I’m dealing out happy pills today, and these blokes will be getting a double dose.

Our dear friend ‘victory’ is once again on the cans with us in the sheds, so these 2 emptyhanders will be carried in its equipment bag to Perth, safe in the knowledge that they are integral parts of an XI on the cusp of regaining the Border-Gavaskar Trophy in a boilover that will get Australian cricket perculating once again.

Beware though; there were some signs of life from the Indian batting in the second innings. Their records suggest that they will fire at some point in the series. There is still some yakka to see through.

Feminine group hugs are excused in victory.

If there is one prediction I can make that will warm the temperature of the beer, it’s that I believe that Nathan Lyon might be given a rest for Perth to make way for Ryan Harris.

This is no disrespect to the green offie as he will be a part of the plans going forward. And he’s not the first spinner to be given the ‘don’t argue’ from Indian batsmen.

But picture the bout of spook gastro that will sweep through the Indian camp when they discover the 3 man pace battery they haven’t been able to negotiate all series has just ballooned to 4. For the springboard of the WACA.

 

Kick your weekend off with a spray! Have I neglected to include any contributions of note? Can anyone work out how you can drop shit when you are wearing gloves? Does James Pattinson need to lay off the coffee? Did you give your boss the ‘Virat’ yesterday as you left the office early for beers? I look forward to seeing 329 replies below!

Rewind and pause. There’s a new First Lady.

Just like that ‘one in a billion’ pack of footy cards, this test match has been overloaded with gilt-edged rarities and collector’s items adorned with the signature stamp of champions.

However, the glut of bullion has left me concerned that not all events will be adequately lavished with the plaudits they deserve.

The reason Pup declared early.

Amidst this haze of unease and confusion, events occurring off the field were also scrutinised. And a significant scenario requires recognition.

So ladies and gents, a warm round of applause is requested for the arrival of the new First Lady.

Kyly Boldy, welcome to the sporting scenery of Australia.

The heights this test match reached on the field has had the major players at Cricket Australia and the SCG Trust gleefully lighting their lunchtime smokes with legal tender. The unforgettable moments and opportunities to create floggable memorabilia have been piling up.

But the real winners are the blokes who do the hard yards traversing the recently bouncy track our XI has been leading us on. The dark days of grisly results, the heady emotion of victory, and the ogling of WAGs.

Remember the unsightly time when Junior Waugh would brave the public eye with someone who wouldn’t look out of place on an APIA advert?

Kyly is the fresh face driving the slow erosion of the memories of this tough phase.

Many a tear of pride and joy has been shed by the quintessential Aussie dude over the course of the last 2 days as Michael Clarke picked off milestones like a hick in a shooting gallery.

Is this our much maligned skipper finally conquering the doubts of the male section of the supporter group?

It's got me buggered how he could concentrate for so long.

Nope. It’s because with every passing accomplishment, the fine image of his elegant lady friend supporting her run-hungry fella was being broadcast right across the nation.

A record number of ‘rewind’ and ‘pause’ buttons on IQ units became decrepit in the Australian first innings as chaps in green and gold united to perve and admire as one.

We’ve seen Kyly in “Temptation Island Australia” and now in the super-classy Jim Beam advertising campaign. Let us pray that she is comfortable with having a camera following her regularly, because the word on the street is that 30 seconds per serve is not adequate for the public. She’s the new “It” girl.

We salute you Mrs Pup, and sincerely welcome you as Bingle’s interchange.

Taking the Dingo to Task

Fellow comrades & armchair critics, I believe the time has come for the Dingo to admit his errors of judgement on our national cricket captain come hero Michael Clarke.

The efforts of the skipper with the blade especially this test with a massive 329 not out but also scoring 4 tons in 6 test matches & not being selfish today when the world record score of one Brian Lara (400) was certainly within his grasp put team before personal achievement & declared.

The Dingo has been a scathing critic of Clarkey since he teamed up with L Bungle & even since the flushing of the ring has continued to be crtical of our Aussie hero. I do know the dingo has softened his stance just a smidgen since the number 1 WAG Kyly Boldy has arrived on the scene (she is definitely a WAGILF!!!!)

I say it is TIME Dingo to admit the error of your ways & be graceful admit you were too harsh on the PUP & that you were WRONG.

Punters we will have to see whether the Dingo can DOG up & do the right thing or will the wild beast stand his ground?

Chooks pay large Bill for Sydney’s favourite Son

The Roosters are once again throwing their underwear at rock stars.

Sonny Bill Williams is making sultry bedroom eyes from across the Tasman which has got Nick and company going like the clappers to don the cheap perfume and fishnets.

And the process of giving off pheromones has already begun.

Son-B-Will: Get used to drinking coffee.

800 large worth of bathroom-lovin’ a season to be exact.

Have you noticed that whenever any player with a burnt bridge and a high profile finds themselves in the footy wilderness, they are immediately tied to the Chooks?

And if you tick these boxes as well as being a former Bulldog, then don’t even bother bringing your manager. Your jersey is already being fitted.

Nobody is denying that SBW is a rare league talent.

He hit the ground running in 2004 and left a trail of destruction on the paddock right up until he jumped on that midnight plane in 2008.

He fled the game acrimoniously but his star-power has always been strong. Any man who can dictate terms on the field like a battleaxe and produce off-field headlines pertaining to breeding in a cubicle will always be welcome in a voyeuristic joint like Sydney.  

And his profile hasn’t been lying dormant whilst on league hiatus, so the publicity is going to floooooooow like eastern suburbs chardonnay.

Is the rugby world cup winning pedigree and part-time boxing worth it though? Can the chick-pulling and the time spent on the social pages justify the 800k per year price tag?

Not even the game’s ace playmakers would be picking up a pay packet of that considerable size.

Smells like the Roosters are trying to reinforce their position at the top end of town by throwing money at anything that moves on the Sydney Confidential pages. Again.

 

We all know SBW has got game. But how many offloads and big hits does over 5 years should $4 million buy you? If signed, should he be chained to the inside of his Bondi penthouse for the duration of his contract? Or does that sound too much like his last meeting with Candice Falzon? Or perhaps you are just a Rooster hater who is again enjoying another episode of them flaunting cash? Let us know… and not inside the cubicle thanks!

Warming the Pine

Sport for those with comfortable couches.