The Ashes survival plan for Australia’s batsmen: part two

Losing sleep over how our maligned batting unit will be allowed back in the country after the Ashes?

Salivating for totally bogus inside knowledge on their set KPIs for a post-series tick of approval?

Not comfortable with the tried and tested approval method of runs and runs and more runs?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above three questions, then congratulations. You possess freakishly vigilant skills of concentration to have endured such a long-winded inquest.

Following on from yesterday, here is part two of Australia’s CPR procedures for its crew of afflicted Test batsmen as they approach a fierce examination from the best trundlers the Old Dart has to offer.

(Not to be used as a substitute for situations requiring genuine CPR.)

Cowan's tour diary: "Day 3. Need a shave and a wider bat."

Cowan’s tour diary: “Day 3. Need a shave and a wider bat.”

Ed Cowan

The prerequisites here are elementary. Get the hell out of the 30s. And do it more than once.

Cowan has overtaken Jennifer Aniston as the posterchild for misfortune in the middle ages, and unfortunately, its totally consumed him.

He cooks his meals in 30 minutes, regularly uses words containing more than 30 letters and loves rocking out to the objectionable bluster of Russell Crowe’s rock band while writing 30 word entries in his tour diary (available in all good book stores).

For him to live and breathe as an international cricketer beyond this tour, no measure is too extreme for Cowan to break his association with this haunting number. Changing the date on his birth certificate. Always training longer than half an hour. And if on the sauce, making sure it’s at an over-30s nightclub.

Phil Hughes

Perpetually oscillating between state and national pigeonholes, this Ashes series will see this battler on his 17th chance to succeed in the Baggy Green which is something like a reverse Khawaja. I can only put his frequent reselection down to a need to balance out the crooked levels of justice in the squad, or because ‘he’s been hitting them beautifully in the nets’ for five years.

In saying this, I am reliably assured by a talking Labrador on Twitter that after six retootlings of his technique, this is definitely Hughes’ last crack of the whip. So everybody chillax! It means we can all breathe easy for him, because the last throw of the dice always brings clarity of mind.

He doesn’t have to worry about washing Michael Clarke’s inners, doing extra throwdowns with Boof Lehmann or taking out his earring to find common blokey ground with Rod Marsh. He just needs to find a way to make Jimmy Anderson look pedestrian and pray that Graeme Swann contracts leprosy. That’s all.

Usman Khawaja

Let’s face it: it’s just not meant to be for this kid. He’s destined to remain dangling in the middle universe of being an everlasting specialist squad member, and really, shouldn’t he be used to it by now?

Khawaja should put himself first. It’s time to shelve ambition and realise his limitations.

Sure, busting your guts for Test caps is commendable, but if you can’t score one, then take the tip and go in to power save mode. You might as well pick up the lion’s share of the tour allowances and public sympathy by becoming a professional drinks steward in high-vis who nets on the side.

To keep his face around the place, he only has to concentrate on displaying blade-edge precision in two roles. Firstly, with an exact amount of scoring in tour matches that guarantees retention but not promotion, and secondly, by always ensuring his cordial mix is a delight to a modern cricketer’s tastebuds.


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Dane Eldridge Tries Hard

Contemporary rugby league surrealism and hot takes on Shane Warne

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