Exclusive: leaked email reveals pre-meditated send-off at Brookie

In an exclusive, Stand Spray and Deliver has obtained a copy of an email that proves the decision by Matt Cecchin to send-off Jared Waerea-Hargreaves against Manly on Monday night may have been the pre-conceived actions of a raving madman that were inspired by a directive from above.

The email, sent on Sunday from senior official Shayne Hayne to referee’s boss Daniel Anderson, contains explosive information about Cecchin’s bizarre behaviour and mental state in the lead up to the game, along with references to a reminder from Anderson to “use the old marching orders.”

It also contained a strong suggestion from Hayne to “just do anything” to replace Cecchin for the clash between the Roosters and Sea Eagles at Brookvale Oval otherwise risk looking “stupider.”

Travolta says 'go.'

Travolta says ‘go.’

This discovery, along with last night’s curious decision, adds further fuel to the widespread belief that the referee’s department is a bunch of disturbed and confused nerderlingers that operate on knee-jerk reactions, especially after coming on the back of weeks of public pressure to begin utilising heavier penalties for those who resort to foul play.

It also proves that News Limited aren’t the only ones who can Assange the daylights out of an inbox, and that when it comes to the game’s worst firewall, the Sharks aren’t entirely on their own.

 

 

From:  Shayne Hayne 
Sent:  Sunday, 12 May 2013 9:17am
To:  Daniel Anderson
Subject:  Cecch yourself before you wreck yourself

 
Dear Ando,

I’ve been meaning to pass this info on to you for a while now, but I’ve been flat out in the tanning bed. I hope sending this to you by email, as well as referring to you as ‘Ando’ is cool by you.

I’m not sure how else to break this to you, so I’ll just give it to you straight up.

You know that us referees are kooky types at the best of times, but lately our friend Matty Cecchin has completely re-written the book on bonkers behaviour. I reckon he could be on the verge of doing something stupid real soon, and I’m not talking about growing comically large sideburns.

The way he’s been carrying on, it’s like he’s really itchy to put his disciplinary foot down and send someone off in a game. And for more than 10 minutes and/or to get a gash cleaned up!

Can you believe it? Yeah bro, I know. It’s totes bananas. He probably still thinks scrum penalties exist!

In all seriousness though, he’s all types of whack right now. Tell me if you think this following behaviour is crook:

– Spending time alone off-site reading a rulebook full of post-it notes on the foul play section whilst watching old videos of Gorden Tallis and Mark Geyer

– Playing the music of the Bee Gees in the sheds before games whilst practising disco dancing complete with an unhealthy amount of finger pointing. (He looks like John Travolta on the gear. Not pretty but still kind of a LOL.)

– Becoming very short with the rest of the boys over simple matters like restaurant choices and Gatorade flavours. Whenever he won’t get his way, he just interrupts the discussion before telling us to ‘Go. Just go.’

– Repeatedly requesting to cover any game involving Luke O’Donnell or Richie Fa’aoso

– Constantly referring to players as ‘Gough Whitlam’

Seriously Ando, I know you reminded us the other day about using the old marching orders, but I think Matty is a bear-trap ready to snap at the tiniest indiscretion.

We all know the almighty dismissal is there for the big stuff; disembowelments, squirrel grips, Steve Matai etc, but I think he’s ready to lower the threshold to something minor just to get his fix!

I’m talking about something as trivial as a little tap around the nose, a grapple, maybe even five spear tackles. Geoff Toovey and Ray Hadley will be all over us! And life is already bad enough with having to wear weekly salmon garb.

I know you want us to show some spuds when it comes to calling on the early shower, but I’m worried there’s not enough Rheems to install to keep Matty at bay. That’s why I reckon you’ve got to replace him for tonight’s game at Brookie.

Make up a story, call in a bomb threat, call in Sean Hampstead. Just do anything! Otherwise he’s going to make us look even more stupider. We’re counting on you, Ando.

Call me if you need any further intel. I’ll be in the spray tan booth.

Stay onside,
The Shayne-Plane

PS: Have you seen Tony Archer lately? He’s got my Gossip Girl DVD. Need it back.

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Dane Eldridge Tries Hard

Contemporary rugby league surrealism and hot takes on Shane Warne

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