Spray’n’Pine collide to preview the Hyderabad Test

Some say that when two strongholds of intraweb sporting opinion meet, they usually question what each want before one asks the other to piss off because they are in the middle of eating tea.

However, once tucker time is over and the washing up is finished, the respective brains combine forces to bring you, their smallish-sized readership, some of the greatest insights and LOLs you will ever witness in your electronic existence.

That’s what’s going down all up in this ‘hood right about now. Stand, Spray and Deliver has entered in to an agreement of cross-site chinwag with none other than Paddy from blog sensation Warming the Pine, and what better way to smash the champagne on the ship’s bow by getting down to the nitty gritty of Australia’s so-far doomed tour of India. Here I interrogate WTP’s Paddy for the downlow from the subcontinent.

‘My fellow alcoholic, I’m sure you will agree that Australia need changes for the second test. Will another spinner join the cotton soft-turning forces of Nathan Lyon? When will Warney throw his name up?’

“Well, it’s interesting you say that, because my fortune cookie this morning (leftovers for brekky, you understand) had an interesting foretelling for me: “Shane Warne will play in the Hyderabad Test.

Now aside from this cookie obviously being manufactured in India, a deliberate travesty which goes against every bit of my foodie fibre, I was appalled that it would be so bold to suggest that old man Warne would be up to the rigours of Test cricket. Sure, he’s got form behind the microphone, but the fact that he’s dropping more dollies than a three year-old girl in a toyshop suggests to me that we might have to look past Warne’s well-grazed pastures.

I think realistically we’ve done enough looking to the right of centre. Options must be explored. Graves must be dug up. Incantations must be muttered. Or we could just nationalise some of our opponent’s own; spinners who have been spurned by the BCCI more than an Aussie journalist. Murali Karthik and Pragyan Ohja come to mind. From what I hear they’re hankering to be true blue.”

‘Sounds like it’s time to clear the red tape from the immigration department then. Speaking of the spurned, Moises Henriques has been regularly run out of Sydney by angry mobs in the past. Will he now be excused from such pitchfork-waving and can we safely assume that Shane Watson’s lock on the all-rounder’s spot is now gone like Ricky Ponting’s real hair?’

“He did play well in Chennai.

Now that’s out of the way, can we just peer in from the outside from the moment and discuss the furore over a couple of half tons? Forget the fact that his bowling was as threatening as a Quade Cooper tackle. And now they’re talking about giving him an Aussie contract worth a couple of hundred thousand clams? Call me a wowser, traditionalist, dangerous sexual deviant, it doesn’t really bother me, but the last time I checked an all-rounder had to be able to do two things, and you can’t count catching regulation balls at short cover as one of them.

When he’s skittled a few Indians, or at least looked like somewhat unnerving an increasingly blind Tendulkar, you can get back to me. Until then, give me a pitchfork and I’ll stand guard at the airport.

As for Watto… Let’s just say that reentering the bowling fraternity is a lot harder than leaving it. He knows what he’s done.”

‘Let’s talk enhancements. I know dodgy supplements are kinda on-the-nose at present, but would it be too much to ask to have a Bulgarian scientist magically clone Michael Clarke?’

“It simply wouldn’t, and I hear Romania are doing wonderful things in this area as well and they are another avenue well worth exploring.

There is one thing that we should consider, however, and that’s the number of Australian men and women who would turn homosexual as a result. Many, many men, including myself, would probably go gay if they knew that they had not one chance, but say eight chances, of being with a clone of Michael Clarke. I assume that the cloning process would also yield some female Clarkes, so that explains the increase in Lesbianism.

I suppose there might be an issue with being with a clone in respect to the authenticity of the experience. Sure, it’s not the original, but neither’s Heinz tomato soup I’m told, and that stuff’s still pretty delicious. I’d probably go gay for a Michael Clarke clone.

Sorry, what was the question again?”

‘We’ll move forward. In a shocking case of workplace bias, James Pattinson was allowed longer smokos in the first innings compared to his fellow quicks. How long will this scientific shizen continue to influence Clarke’s game plan?’

“James Pattinson ain’t no slave to science. He’s a slave to one man and one man only, James Pattinson. He’s probably the only guy in sport who can get away with referring to himself in the third person. If he’s the only guy who can take wickets, then I say he’s earned it.

As far as I’m concerned, what James Pattinson wants James Pattinson gets. He’s an Australian fast bowler for heaven’s sake, and the more beers he can swill, the more durries he can puff, the more he can tell his own captain to go shove it, the better it will be for Australian cricket. Clarke is a batsman after all, and if there’s one thing that James Pattinson hates more than unresponsive Indian wickets, it’s batsmen. Which is why he’s still able to take wickets on painted sand.

After all Clarke is a dirty, dirty batsman. He’s so dirty he’s the best of all batsmen right now. James Pattinson hates batsmen. You do the deduction.”

‘More Marlboros for Patto it is. And finally, do you give Australia any chance at all on what is sure to be another beach of a wicket in Hyderabad? And if so, which Indian player will most likely be on the take?’

“So long as Pattinson isn’t rested, Clarke is still the best player in the world, they pick two spinners, they don’t jump the gun on Henriques and tell him his faeces smell like lavender and the rest of the team PULL THEIR FUCKING SOCKS UP, yes, I give us a glimmer of hope.

The curator at Hyderabad has already started the mind-games, however, and said that there will be a bit in it for the quicks early. If this results in our selectors blindly resubmitting the same teamsheet as the last game I believe they will have to be taken out the back and shot. Except Clarke of course, he can stay, but his rank sleeve tatts will have to be taken out the back and shot.

But I will offer the Aussies a piece of advice my great uncle Herb used to give me after a schooner or two of Drambuie: “Paddy, those Indians will probably smoke us in the 2013 tour, so don’t get your hopes up.”

He truly was a sage.”

“Paddy my man, YOU are the sage. Thanks for your time sir!”

Ladies and gents, it has been proven beyond doubt. Great sports chat is not confined only to this humble site, it can also be found at Paddy’s fantabulum wonderpalace known as WarmingthePine.wordpress.com or on his pants-pissing Twitter account @WarmingthePine.

But don’t bother looking anywhere else, as these are the only two places on the internet that such quality can be located.

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1 Comment

  1. “So long as Pattinson isn’t rested, Clarke is still the best player in the world, they pick two spinners, they don’t jump the gun on Henriques and tell him his faeces smell like lavender and the rest of the team PULL THEIR FUCKING SOCKS UP, yes, I give us a glimmer of hope” Dare I say that Paddy not only warms the pine, he smokes it as well. Only reason he could be thinking the bunch of HUMPS running around for Australia had any chance of winning the 2nd Test!

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Dane Eldridge Tries Hard

Contemporary rugby league surrealism and hot takes on Shane Warne

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