Consumers: Beware of Krisnan Inu

I’ve got one of those modest plastic indoor TV antennas and I’ve named it ‘Krisnan.’ When it comes to providing visual entertainment, it’s a fickle and volatile piece of equipment.

I have to shift its position around the room, move its ears and turn the frequency wheel to try and find the perfect alignment to get an optimal performance. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.

Right now, I’ve got it sitting on top of 3 encyclopedias and a lava lamp with a neck tie hanging from the left antennae and it’s working a treat. Granted, I also have to stand in the right hand corner of the room with a metal baking tray on my head, but at least I’m getting SBS.

Perhaps his armband should contain a product warning.

See where I’m going?

The riddle that is the real-life Krisnan Inu currently sits in a rich-purple window of performance. But what’s different now compared to the last couple of years?

Right now, the 2012 Bulldogs version is doing the lot. He’s breaking the line, manufacturing magic offloads, nailing targets in defence and goal kicking with the steadiness of a Korean archer. For heaven’s sake, he’s even banging over clutch field goals.


It’s the version of Inu we banked on seeing for the next 8-10 years after firstly grinned and shimmied his way on the big stage in 2007. If Ben Barba wasn’t hogging the limelight by playing like his PlayStation version with all cheats activated, then the flashy outside back would be the eye-catching story of the season.

Of course, we all give credit to the man. The product guarantee emblazoned on the packaging is currently being delivered to Des Hasler and Dogs fans in spades. But can we take a moment to sift through our rugby league memories for those less fortunate from the past?

This guy ignited turf when he hit the stage with Parramatta and we all had him pencilled in as long-term billboard material. He was the Mark Waugh of league, doing extravagant things with snooze-like ease while we all sat by agape like starry-eyed teenage girls. Especially the disciples in blue and gold.

But the faults starting creeping in after his first year, and the reliability would only resurface very occasionally for him at Parramatta, usually just regularly enough to keep his price tag healthy and the Eels fans confused and bothered.

Then the Warriors were drawn to the merchandise and picked him up on a decent contract, no doubt parting with good cabbage in the hope he would be refreshed by a change. His trademark laconic style remained but unfortunately he never tuned to the frequency of the squad, leaving him again looking like an ineffective player who didn’t give a parrot’s cracker and subsequently triggering a mass bonfire of Inu footy cards in Auckland.

As a cynical consumer of footy, this was where I marked him as a total product write-off. It was time to file him under faulty stock as ‘intermittently operational.’

Eels and Warriors fans weren’t as polite with their labels though.

Now he’s at the Bulldogs and the former drip-feed of showtime plays and peace of mind workability has turned into a biblical cloudburst. Someone in Belmore is wearing that baking tray on their head and all signals are crystal. The picture looks damn sharp.

But what about the short-changed former fans?

Are we going to see Eels and Warriors fans file a class action through Consumer Affairs to get their money back? Or will we see Daniel Anderson front a sting on A Current Affair with the well-worn ‘dodgy builder with unfinished work’ style story?

Through the eyes of the scorned, Inu has been allowed to continue trading with a proven track record of unreliable functionality.

The second half of 2012 has seen consumer trust once again being re-established by the boom Kiwi, but to those true believers right now, I give the warning: beware of the future.

Before we make him the darling of carefree league again, let’s remember those who have been left with big bills and unfinished work.

Someone should check with Des that he’s filled out his warranty card.

Leave a comment


  1. TC

     /  August 20, 2012

    They came together from the famous Cabramatta club. Hayne, Inu and Falou. We all thought that the 3 of them would set the world alight for the next decade. Somewhere along the way they all got a bit lost. Hayne after the 09 run was never the same but changed his playing style. Inu, picked at FB for the kiwis after just one NRL game went missing for years and Isi played some other sport. It seems like so long ago when Inu scored that try against the bulldogs, brushing past one bloke, grubbering for himself, leaving the field of play and planting the ball down just as he was back in the died of play. He might go missing again when he gets a nice juicy contract extension and it will be the bulldogs fans turn to be absolutely confused what is going through this blokes head.

    • Mr Eldridge 2.0

       /  August 20, 2012

      Seeing Dogs fans suffer could go some way to healing the wounds of previous purchasers of Inu Inc. Especially the Parra people.


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Dane Eldridge Tries Hard

Contemporary rugby league surrealism and hot takes on Shane Warne

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