Aussie Kevin Pietersen

Could it be that Kevin Pietersen is spectacularly cutting ties with England in a bid to give Australia a leg-up before the next Ashes?

You’re not alone if you think that his latest actions are so cuckoo that they are nothing more than a blatant ambush on the wellbeing of English cricket. I’m with you, and I even reckon he’s on the first steps to gaining honorary citizenship here with his adopted long-lost convict cousins.

Being a petty fan of Australia who is longing for some Anglo-sporting upper hand, I firstly enjoyed watching this daytime soap play out before me purely for the value of seeing our famous opponents squirming. Then as they further destabilised, I turned in to a fully devoted groupie who salivated over every new episode.

That’s definitely a cup of Vegemite.

But now this supreme theatre has gone on too long to be classed as your average team sports controversy.

To be fair, we’ve always known that Pietersen is the poster-boy for those who march to the beat of their own drum- a category of human more commonly referred to as the self-absorbed arses of this world- but a collective blind eye has always been turned in the Old Dart while ever the balance sheet between performance and hullabaloo was resulting in a net profit of runs.

However, his egotistical tendencies have sent him deep into the red this English summer, and the total sum of his actions point to only one outcome.

Treason.

Have a look at Pietersen’s summer of discontent and tell me: are these the actions of a potty Englishman? Or a covert spy with damage on his mind?

Firstly, opting to take the low-tariff labour of IPL rupees over the treasured fame and glory of national limited overs representation. This was with England tasting regular success and whilst at his peak, and not to mention firmly in the knowledge that crapping on the flag in such fashion is not widely accepted by Poms.

Then there was the about-face with a feeble and naive attempt at extending the olive branch by offering to return to the shorter forms of the game in the national colours, but only on the outrageous condition that the punishing schedule was relaxed.

And what about the emotional unloading in the press conference after the 2nd Test against South Africa where he dropped a dressing shed scatter bomb by suggesting there were issues with team harmony in the England set-up?

It’s textbook spy conduct of the finest subtlety.

He then complemented his nifty groundwork with some brutish warfare. How about these manoeuvres?

There was the blatant mingling with the South African team just hours within the start of a Test, which he followed with a spray of Afrikaans at his captain Andrew Strauss and coach Andy Flower after they berated him for mixing with the enemy so close to battle.

Then finally, there was the transmission of intel when he sent the opposition text messages containing slanderous statements again about captain and coach.

Are you convinced?

Sure, some would say this is a man trying to get the sack or just a whacko simply missing his marbles. I say he’s an Einstein of anarchy who’s planting seeds of chaos that will flourish in a timely bloom in mid-2013.

And don’t be fooled by his recent pucker-up to the pasty pink cheeks of his countrymen. Simply sending an interaction-free video apology containing a plead to be accepted back in to the fold for all 3 forms of the game is just all part of his plan to muddle the English psyche.

He’s leaving the joint in tatters.

We all thought he was mad when he used to wear that dead skunk on his head. Now we all think he’s mad for doing everything he can in his power to have his name struck from the song list of geezer chants all over England.

You have to read between the lines. He’s trying to help us.

Can we get a Baggy Green in KP’s size from somewhere?

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