An apology to Tigers fans from Pinocchio

Wests Tigers fans who love to snuggle-up for a good Disney flick wouldn’t have seen this much perjury and deception since the release of the original Pinocchio.

And I’m not referring to the agonisingly lame schlock that has been bestowed upon them by their misfiring legion over the last month.

I’m talking about the foolish and unwise disgorging of brain onto keyboard from the very clod who is penning this piece you are currently paying the time of day.

My incompetent forecasts, although not malicious in intent, have been glaringly astray and I have now realised that what I thought was balanced analysis is actually a fallacy that in some countries could see me locked up for crimes against the deprived.

This is an apology to the black and gold mass for the misguided ego props I’ve dispensed since the season began.

To my homies out in Campbelltown, back through Ashfield and right into Rozelle, and everywhere else you may be howling, I concede that you are the unfortunate Geppetto to my fake faith fabricating Pinocchio in your hithero bleak and desperate Disney picture show tragedy of 2012.

Getting cosy behind the sticks... again.

You’ve all been humbly cobbling in your work sheds, questioning the supposed season of high fancy and seeking answers to the despair on blogs and social media.

I’ve come to life from a stilted plaything existence and inexplicably instilled optimism with repeated narrative like ‘she’ll be right, mate’ and ‘Matt Utai will eventually wake up’ positively uttered from my slender lips of lumber.

I’ve realised that these dim-witted declarations were nothing more than a bicycle pump swelling the size of my pine schnozz based on the bogus data and judgment my drunk Jiminy Cricket conscience was giving to me.

So it’s time for me to mute the misrepresentation and call this thing a spade.

By their own expectations, the Tigers are in deep doodoo.

It’s a cavernous waste pit they could find themselves rescued from with a redeeming thread of wins; but based on their current effectiveness, can they hustle enough credits to get into the craved top 4 and ask enough questions to go deep into September?

And by deep, I mean all the way to the bank.

Please don't hurt me.

The chips of 2005 have been cashed and the fan class of this culture-defining generation for the organisation is no longer displaying the patience allowed after an unexpected fairytale. They need the big dance with the hottest chorus girl and they need it before this Christmas.

Currently, their defence is like wet balsa when under pressure, their attack is flailing like the helicopter arms of a defective marionette and most crucially, confidence is as sound as the termite-infested stands at Leichhardt Oval.

Not even the return of Robbie Farah- which I pinned the majority of my energetic assurance on- was able to stem the bleeding on Friday.

Tim Moltzen’s concentration is compromised by his fixation on the stands for a red and white gunman, Matt Groat sleeps on the job, and the injury list is growing in unison with my augmenting beak.

And to confirm that Walt loves a cold-blooded joke, their journey will next see them embarking on a run of 3 consecutive anxiety-inducing matches on the road at a time when a win is just downright critical.

Is there a  puppet-master in the Tim Sheens show that is going to step up and turn my dribble into legitimacy?

Until the tide turns, I beg of all Tigers fans; forgiveness please.

Leave a comment


  1. No apology needed. I feel like I have to apologise for being such a hardend Tiger’s fan, it has been truely depressing this year. However, I still scratch my head at why they got such a pump up at the start of the year. I definetly thought they were top 6, but premiers? They never convinced me that they were going to magically change at the start of this year to suddenly produce Melbourne type performances week in week out. And I’d hate to say it, but losing Lui has really hurt us in attack. He gave the line some good shape when we were attacking opposition trenches, something i havn’t seen a great deal of this year. I’m now past expections mode for the tigers this year, I’ve entered prayer mode. I just want to make the eight.

  2. The Senior

     /  April 12, 2012

    I had a dream.(No not about bursting into song). I dreamt that players of yesterday from the defunct clubs Balmain & Wests were reincarnated.

    There flashing before my eyes were Jack,Lulham-sans thalium-Dimond,Devery,Holman,Marsh DeBelin,Kelly,Oshea,Roach,Walsh,Starling and Dorahy.

    Taking the field for the Grand Final after a season without loss expectations were high.

    I then awoke to the reality of today’s nightmare.

    Perhaps next year?


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Dane Eldridge Tries Hard

Contemporary rugby league surrealism and hot takes on Shane Warne

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