Zimbabwe cricket: Hating life

A week ago, I had my verbal firearms deployed in preparation of a full strike on the ICC and Zimbabwe Cricket after the African nation’s limp exhibition in New Zealand.

Brendan Taylor: needs a hug.

But after their last match of the tour, I withdrew the warheads and replaced them with 4-ply Kleenex due to the cruel nature of its conclusion.

After being mercilessly manhandled from the top of the Long White Cloud to the bottom, it was fitting that the jaunt wrapped up in the callous style it did.

As I wrote earlier in my piece Six-stitcher Saturday, they commenced the trip in Napier by crashing to the largest arse-kicking in their test history, an innings and 301 run lesson inside 3 days, with 33% of playing time flushed out by rain.

The cricket world has always given some leeway to the results of a team that has only just been readmitted to the test arena, but any which way you crunch these numbers, they always come out like a Sunday morning post-boozer gob refund.

Things didn’t improve when they moved on to the pyjama game, which was a series of comical cricket scores that had to be seen to be believed.

Game 1 was an acceptable margin for a minnow playing offshore, going down by 90 runs chasing a modest 248.

From there on in though, it was a boot-filling session for the Black Cap bats and an eye-popper for the stats geeks, as the behemoth numbers piled up.

Kane Williamson in his low act of winning a game of cricket for his country.

Zimbabwe fell 141 runs short of New Zealand’s 372 in Whangarei, and then 202 runs short of another jumbo total of 373 again at their graveyard of McLean Park in Napier.

Grisly.

By this time, Zimbabwe skipper Brendan Taylor must have been looking for the noose.

Despite all of the desire to jump on a plane back to Bulawayo to hunt ivory, they still had a pair of 20 over games to play. And I’m sure they viewed this as 80 overs max until an undeserved airport can session.

The sewer standard continued in game 1 with another coasty victory by the home side chasing down 159 with 7 wickets and 19 balls in hand.

But game 2 produced the ‘junk in the car door’ moment to top them all.

Batting first, Zimbabwe gave the Black Caps bowlers the kitchen sink.

Using the ‘f*ck it’ approach to batting, they racked up a frightening total of 2/200, and with it some long lost confidence and swagger probably last seen when they were bowling to 10 year olds at the Auckland school clinic.

Finally the luck was running with the Africans, and the wiz started to fizz when 2 wickets fell in 2 balls to leave the Kiwis 5 down and needing 21 from 9 with 2 fresh bats at the crease.

You could see the temperature of the complimentary Steinlagers in the Zimbo sheds dropping in anticipation of one last elephatine victory piss-up and accent-laden victory interview before bidding adieu. 

Shit is gettin' real up in here!

Cue Kane Williamson.

The technically sound batsmen, with a reputation far from being a belligerent blaster, was the man fate chose to swoop and pilfer the proverbial candy pudding from the infant.

Doing something akin to opposing UN humanity laws, he blasted 4,2,4,6 and 4 from a 5 ball innings to steal the novelty winners cheque from the jaws of a consolation loss.

And with that, the Zimbabwean’s tour was over, finalising itself in an appropriate manner of further discomfort, this time of a more agonizing nature.

It would have you filthy at life.

One hopes this has not caused tears of sadness and/or laughter.

 

 

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4 Comments

  1. Surprisingly, E Dog, I actually watched this debarcle. And while I shed a tear for the Zimbabs, I was overwhealmingly appalled at the standard of cricket on show. To be frank, some of Zimbabs players wouldn’t even make Gerringong 1st grade, they’ve got bowlers who struggle to make 130 clicks and fieldsman who don’t understand the first part of their role’s namesake, FIELD! But, they can be excused, they have a mad man in control of their country and the players probably get paid less than the Sri Lankans. However, the sheep lickers didn’t do much for their rep either. Anything less than a complete and absolute belting of the African nation would only be a par score, and par is all they got. Looking at what the shaggers offered in the way of batsman, I’d have to say that a second string Aussie bowling line up would have tore through their line up quicker than a Kiwi could unzip for sheep wearing lippy. Offering James Franklin and that other muppet up as opening batsman was hopefully a sign of utter arrogance towards their oppenent and not a permanent fixure. Those two would last 1 ball each against our bowling line up.

    Reply
    • Dane

       /  February 17, 2012

      It’s a massive shame that Zimbabwe were turfed back when they were on the verge of a good era with players like Heath Streak, The Flowers, Alastair Campbell etc, because they’ve gone in reverse ever since. I was surprised their standards were as low as they were! Their bowling is plain slow and there is no fight in their batting. They are doing their best but they really should only be in ODI’s and T20 at best. Credit to NZ, they cashed in as best they could!

      It’s a conundrum because you need time at the top to acclimatise, but on the other hand, nobody likes to see the brand of international cricket wiped with rank floggings.

      Reply
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  1. Kitchen Sinks Zimbabwe

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Dane Eldridge Tries Hard

Contemporary rugby league surrealism and hot takes on Shane Warne

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