Decoding the pre-season

In 2012, your footy team is due to compile the greatest season in the history of their existence.

The hopes, dreams and punting aspirations of you and your fellow supporters have been buoyed by the revitalised optimism of your coach and the lack of imagination at the microphone from plank footballers.

There's easier ways to remove wallpaper.

Your club has opened the door to local media to give the fan base a glimpse into the drab world of the pre-season as well as a precise insight into how far advanced they are over the opposition.

Believe them; they are the team to keep under observation this year. They’ve seen through eyes stinging with sunscreen that affairs are different in this pre-season, and the good times will flow when it’s chow time in the competition proper.

Your fire of expectation will then be doused with petrol by the tabloids.

Being hungry for a throwaway line and some buzz in the arid league summertime climate, they inflate these disjointed mutterings into ‘news’, sending your belief soaring.

Single file for the ice cream truck please.

For the green and uneducated who sit in the round 1 waiting room for the first time, here’s a few examples of sunstroke-induced footyhead blethering.

Example number 1: the dense second-rower with amnesia.

“This is the hardest pre-season I’ve ever taken part in.”

Really? Again? It’s incredible that this yardstick has been topped with every consecutive year since you debuted.

Example number 2: the vain fullback who is most probably looking into a mirror.

“I’m the leanest and fittest I’ve ever been.”

You just consumed 25 pork pies and a slab over Christmas which may be muddying the waters.

Example number 3: the bored coach trying to fit a summer holiday into his team management obligations.

“We’re taking the boys to a remote location for a 3 day camp where they can bond as a unit and concentrate totally on football.”

Calling all paparazzi. Code Red. There’s a potential scandal brewing in the outback that will be energized by schooners and nudity.

The Tigers working off some of Robbie's kebabs.

Example number 4: the naive and desperate coach trying to convince himself that his questionable new signing is a reliable purchase.

“He’s taken on a senior role among the playing group and is leading by example. He has really turned the corner.”

Do we really need to mention any names here?

Example number 5: the impressionable new teammate who is astonished by the exertions of a veteran/youngster with a lifeline/journeyman.

“His work ethic is second-to-none. He is training the house down.”

It’s because he’s off contract at the end of the year.

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5 Comments

  1. Nice spray mate, spot on, you did all the 1%er’s in that spray and hopefully that sets an example to the younger sprayers. You’ve got the full support of the SSD.

    Reply
    • Dane

       /  February 9, 2012

      I just made sure I focussed on the task at hand and took it one game at a time

      Reply
  2. Spot on son, you really have a keen insight into the world of Rugby league. May I add a couple more:
    1- the captain; “there’s a really good feeling amongst the boys this year…. We love it here, we do everything together”
    which means 3 or 4 of us go the pub and share the spoils at the end of the night.
    2- the skipper on the new coach; “yeah, he’s bought some new initiatives and he’s got us training real hard…. The boys are fully behind him”
    Translates into, he’s a c#nt!

    Reply
    • Dane

       /  February 9, 2012

      Haha! I’ve missed a couple of clangers there, especially the ‘we do everything together..’ which I believe was a line first used by Matt Johns back in the day..

      Reply
      • Hey bloke, I just read an absolute cracker. The headline was: “Raiders pre-season one of the toughest, says Berringan”. The first few lines went like this, “former test player Shaun Berrigan has rated his first pre-season with the raiders as one of the toughest of his career”. Well surprise, surprise!

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Dane Eldridge Tries Hard

Contemporary rugby league surrealism and hot takes on Shane Warne

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